Lightbulb joke (university)
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Many lightbulb jokes are university-themed. Many more US university lightbulb jokes can be found by a simple Google search (http://www.google.com/search?q=%22change+a+light+bulb%22+students). The ones listed below are of the form
Q: How many college students does it take to screw a lightbulb?
A: Answer appropriate to a stereotypical characteristic of students at that school.
See main lightbulb joke article.
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Generic
- College students
- I don't know, will this be on the test?
- Football players
- The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!
- Fraternity brothers
- None; fratboys don't screw in lightbulbs; they screw in pools of vomit.
- Graduate students
- Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done.
Australian universities
- Newcastle
- Students on HECS, one who does the hard work by themselves; Full fee paying students, why bother they'll get full marks anyway.
- La Trobe
- Trick question, La Trobe isn't really a university.
- Monash
- Two - one to change the bulb, and one to complain that if they were at Melbourne, the lightbulb wouldn't have gone out in the first place.
- Murdoch
- Seven - one to change the bulb, and six to figure out how to power it with manure.
- ANU
- Five - they make it a campus wide affair.
- Victoria University
- None - briquette lamps don't burn out, man!
- Bond
- One, but he would insist that the way he did it was distinct from the way that the other universities did it.
- Melbourne Uni
- One, but she would insist that it was far better than all the others because it cost $20000.
- Deakin
- Three, but it is a year long group project.
Finnish universities
- Tampere University of Technology
- A roomful — One to hold on to the bulb and the rest to drink to make the room spin.
UK universities
- Aberystwyth
- None — Most of them are still sleeping in the basketball court following housing shortages.
- or
- It'll never happen. One will table a motion to change the light bulb at the Union Council, but two more will rally the "Pantycelyn Block Vote" to oppose the plan on the grounds that the joke hasn't been published bilingually.
- St Andrews
- Three — One to call the butler and two to arrange a tailor in Rome to design and make new suits for the special occasion. If a light bulb in a major building blows then increase to 27 to allow for a brass band playing the last post and five Sun reporters. The next day's Sun will carry a headline along the lines of "Will's Pals in Blown Bulb Horror".
- Aston
- None — And stay down, they shoot at the lights, that's why the last one went.
- Bangor
- None, unless you tell the joke in Welsh, in which case the answer is "pedwar".
- Bath
- Seven — Five to form a radical new initiative called TeamBulb Focus, one to make a public announcement stating, "A successful environment is not about pushing yourself to the absolute limit," and one to change the light bulb before it is actually blown.
- Birkbeck, University of London
- None - they use the nightlamp.
- Birmingham
- Nine — One to steal a new bulb from the back of a shop, two for the wheelmen and six to go shoot out all the light bulbs in some Aston student houses.
- Cambridge
- Three — One to mix the martinis, one to call the electrician and one to call daddy to pay for the bill.
- or
- None — "Change?"
- Coventry
- Two — One to take the bulb out and another to glass a random stranger's face with it.
- De Montfort
- Seven — Two to change the bulb and five to write an interpretive modern drama about the experience.
- Glamorgan
- Ten — One to buy the light bulb and nine to petition for the eventual electrification of Pontypridd.
- Glasgow
- None of your fucking business!
- Imperial
- Eight — It's not that one isn't smart enough to do it, it's just that they're all violently twitching from too much stress to achieve coordinated movement.
- Leeds
- Three — One to change it and two to find a way to get high off the old bulb.
- Leicester
- Four — One to change the bulb and three to complain bitterly that it wouldn't have been allowed to happen at Oxbridge, so please give us some funding. Please.
- Liverpool
- Only one, but he gets 10 course credits for doing it.
- LSE
- 84 as follows:
- 2 people — Preliminary discussion of concept change.
- 1 person — Devise and write formal bulb architecture.
- 2 people — Feasibility study and timetable of events.
- 2 people — Research existing business methods used throughout the illuminations industry.
- 1 person — Maintain ISO standards throughout the analysis.
- 4 people — Commonality task force on bulb change.
- 15 people — Change bulb.
- 5 people — Perform bulb functional test.
- 2 people — Perform bulb load test.
- 3 people — Perform bulb financial value regression test.
- 1 person — Perform bulb performance analysis
- 1 person — Perform bulb bottleneck analysis.
- 1 person — Follow-up study (bulb merge feasibility).
- 1 person — Report to Utilities Commission.
- 1 person — Research from accepted user database. (Did they want incandescent when we only supply non-tunable fluorescent point product?)
- 5 people — Perform full compatibility/architecture study.
- 3 people — Ensure form (round/square, clear/frosted) follows function (wattage, 120/140 volts, visible/ultraviolet, flashing, flood/spot).
- 3 people — Implement temporary alternative bulb socket for already (!?) existing, successful, and profitable socket (bulb-in-one)
- 5 people — Determine how to market/package/distribute temporary alternative bulb socket.
- 10 people — Determine how to perform bulb change product split.
- 1 person — Interface with Utilities Commission quality assurance group.
- 1 person — Interview local distribution centres to obtain statistics on light bulb usage around London.
- 1 person — Set up BPR (Bulb Problem Reports) system.
- 1 person — Review problems with BPR system.
- 11 people — Write a full report justifying the expenses outlined above, and explaining how the six month lead time on research delivery was marginally less than expected.
- 1 person — Receive all credit for entire activity and also huge grant from local businesses. This person has to be a lecturer or post-grad.
- Newcastle
- Eight — One to find a red Fireglow bulb, one to mount it near the window and the other six to wait inside.
- Oxford
- An entire college house, but only one of them is sober enough to figure out what to do with it, and he subsequently is cellophane-wrapped naked to a street lamp.
- or
- Change? Change?? CHANGE???????? OK, let's do it in 300 years.
- or
- Two. Discuss.
- Oxford Brookes
- Five — One to take the bulb out and four to stick their fingers in the socket.
- Paisley
- Between three and ten, depending on how far through the term it is, to club together their remaining funds to purchase a new light bulb.
- Plymouth
- Six — One to change it and five to campaign to make light bulb changing a new degree subject.
- Reading
- Three — One to pull the bulb out and two to complain when the socket and ceiling come down with it through dry rot.
- Salford
- 16 — One to change the lightbulb and 15 others to keep scallies from beating the shit out of the first one.
- Swansea
- at least 20. That way there is the possibility of one turning up to change the bulb.
- UCL
- Two — One to change the bulb and the other to say loudly how he did it as well as an Oxbridge student.
- UMIST
- Five — One to design a nuclear powered light bulb that never needs changing, one to figure out how to power the rest of Greater Manchester using said light bulb, two to install it, and one to write the computer program that controls the wall switch.
- University of North London
- Nobody knows — The light bulbs stay with North London Uni longer than the students.
- Warwick
- 76 — One to change the light bulb, fifty to protest the light bulb's right to not change, and twenty-five to hold a counter protest allowing for permissible change in light bulbs, as long as the light bulbs accept it.
- York
- Three — One to change the bulb and one to check his maths coursework.
US universities
- Alfred
- One hundred and one: One to get the lighbulb, and one hundred to run an extension cord from Niagara Falls.
- Allegheny College
- Six: one to change the lightbulb and five to explain where the hell Allegheny College is.
- Binghamton University
- Three: One to get drunk and break the light bulb, one to change it, and one to complain about how there's nothing to do in Binghamton but get drunk and change lightbulbs.
Brown : Eleven -- one to change the lightbulb and ten to share the experience.
- Colgate
- Two: one to change the bulb, one to hope it's not another toothpaste joke.
- Columbia
- One hundred and eleven: One to change it, a hundred to form a protest that the lightbulb has a right not to change, and ten to form a counter-protest.
Cornell : Two -- One to change the lightbulb and one to crack under the pressure.
Dartmouth : None -- Hanover doesn't have electricity.
- Harvard
- One: he holds it and the world revolves around him.
- MIT
- Two: One to get the lightbulb, and one to call a CMU student.
- Oberlin
- Three: one to change the lightbulb, and two to figure out how to get high off the old one.
Penn : Only one, but he gets six credits for it.
- Princeton
- Two: one to mix the martinis, and one to call the electrician.
- University of California, Santa Cruz
- Six. One to remove the old light bulb, one to fashion it into a bong, one to hold the new bulb into the socket, and three to pass the newly created bulb-bong around until the room spins.
- Yale
- None: New Haven looks better in the dark.