Swiss Toni

Swiss Toni is a fictional car dealer played by Charlie Higson, and also the title of a sitcom in which he is the main character. The character was originally introduced in the BBC comedy series The Smell of Reeves and Mortimer but is best known as a recurring character in another BBC comedy series The Fast Show. His most notable attribute being a penchant for asserting that a wide range of activities were "like making love to a beautiful woman".

Swiss Toni was later spun off into the sitcom, which developed both the character and his situation beyond the confines of the Fast Show sketches. The two series produced to date (August 2004) ran on BBC Three, the first three episodes of the first series also being repeated on BBC One. As well as playing the title character, Higson was the show's main writer and one of its producers.

Quotes

• Being in a car crash - Going to the brink of death and back, in a nine car pile-up on a dual carriage-way, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, brace yourself, hold on tight - particularly if it's a rear-ender. Pray you make contact with her twin airbags as soon as possible.
• Washing a car - Washing a car, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You've got to caress the bodywork. Breathe softly and gently. And give every inch of it your loving attention. And make sure you've got a nice wet sponge.
• Laying a carpet - Laying a carpet is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You check the dimensions, lay her out on the floor, pin her down, walk all over her. If you're adventurous, like me, you might like to try an underlay.
• Putting up a tent - Putting up a tent is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You rent her, unzip the door, put up your pole and slip in to the old bag.
• Going fishing - Of course, As you know, I'm a very keen fisherman myself. You know, I've often thought that going fishing was very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, clean and inspect your tackle, carefully pull back your rod cover, and remove any dirt or gunge that may have built up whilst not in use. Then, extend your rod to its full length, and check that there are no kinks or any wear. Particularly at the base, where the grip is usually applied. Make sure you've got a decent float, the appropriate bait, and that there's plenty of shot in your bag.
• Being in therapy - And yet, having therapy is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You get on the couch, string 'em along with some half-lies and evasions, probe some deep dark holes, and then hand over all your money.
• Making coffee - Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman. It's got to be hot. You've got to take your time. You've got to stir gently and firmly. You've got to grind your beans until they squeak. And then you put in the milk.
• Checking a second hand car - Checking the details of a second-hand car is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, verify her year of origin. She may look like she rolled off the production line in 1990 but who's to say the fellow before you didn't give her a good spraying?

External links

• BBC Swiss Toni website (http://www.bbc.co.uk/bbcthree/tv/swisstoni/)
• BBC Comedy Guide article about the Swiss Toni series (http://www.bbc.co.uk/comedy/guide/articles/s/swisstoni_1299003551.shtml) (including some character history and cast credits)