Phoebe Buffay
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Lisa_Kudrow_3.jpg
Phoebe Buffay was a character played by Lisa Kudrow in the popular television sitcom Friends (1994-2004).
History
Phoebe has a rather strange past, and an equally strange present existence. Her father left when she was young, and the person she believed to be her mother killed herself leaving Phoebe and her twin Ursula in the care of their stepfather who, for unknown reasons ended up in prison. Here Phoebe's past becomes hazy. By the age of 16 she was living on the streets, spending some time living in a Gremlin with a man called Rudy who talked to his hand, she had an Indian friend called 'Albino Bob', entered into a marriage of convenience with a gay ice-dancer who later "came out" as straight, wrote songs as part of a musical duo and at one point wrote a letter to Sesame Street, but was disappointed when they sent her back a key-ring, as she was homeless and therefore had no keys.
She also complained that pimps would spit in her mouth at night. This apparently resulted in her developing hepatitis, but she "got better." To impress her friends, she told the story of the time when she stabbed a cop; when her friends were shocked, she retorted, "But he stabbed me first!" Phoebe picked up an impressive talent for boxing at a YMCA, where, according to her, "the guys were not so Christian".
Somewhere along this road she 'found' aromatherapy as well as massage, which became her profession. She moved in with Monica after this. Phoebe could have been a stockbroker upon a massage client's urging, but she declined. She believed that she would have to live in a box and only eat lox, as well as have a pet fox because she thought the things that happened to her had to rhyme with the stocks she had to sell. Phoebe later moved into her grandmother's apartment, and inherited her yellow taxi after her death.
Musical skills
Phoebe's somewhat dubious musical skills were a popular source of entertainment. Her stunning array of songs include The Double-Double-Double-Jointed Boy, Sticky Shoes, Ode to a Pubic Hair (Little Black Curly Hair), and most famously Smelly Cat, which became both a jingle for a kitty litter commercial and a serious commercial release.
Animal rights
Phoebe is also somewhat of a champion of animal rights and the environment. She is a vegetarian, and eats "nothing with a face". She defends her position against eating turkeys at Thanksgiving by claiming they are "beautiful, intelligent animals". She is against the wearing of fur coats (although she inherited one, and later on even began to like wearing it). Once, she became very upset upon witnessing trees being cut down and sold as Christmas trees. She also cries when flowers die (and even arranges a funeral for them), and feels sorry about sitting on a line of ants and killing them.
Personality
Having never had a normal, complete childhood, Phoebe is often quite naive and innocent, and is in some regards still a child at heart. She still believed Santa Claus existed (until Joey told her otherwise). She was also overjoyed when Ross got her a pink bicycle (with ribbons tied to the handles) after she told the gang she never had a bike as a child, due to her family's hardships. Her goal by the time she was 30 was to have gone one mile while bouncing on a hippity-hop.
Friendships
Phoebe had somewhat peculiar relationships with the three male Friends. Chandler acted as something of a little brother, on several occasions he demands: "Phoebs! Play with me!" The conversations between the two, which ranged from why Donald Duck wears a towel when getting out of the shower, to why there isn't a superhero called 'Goldman', were another highlight of the show. Whilst Phoebe and Joey had a similar relationship, it emerged that Phoebe had a secret crush on Joey. However, this was rather playful and was never acted upon. Phoebe and Ross on the other hand had a rather different relationship. Ross' scientific beliefs and Phoebe's self-devised beliefs led to conflict over the theories of evolution, gravity and whether or not Phoebe's dead mother had been reincarnated as a cat. However, the two always remained firm friends and it later emerged that they had almost slept together during Ross' first divorce.
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During the series Phoebe continued to uncover bits of her past including meeting her real mother Phoebe Sr. (played by Teri Garr), her half-brother Frank Buffay Jr. (played by Giovanni Ribisi), and finally her real father Frank Buffay Sr. (played by Bob Balaban). Along the way she also acted as a surrogate and gave birth to her brother's triplets, with whom she aimed to be "Fun Aunt Phoebe".
Regina Phalange
Phoebe's famous pseudonym/alter ego was Dr. Regina Phalange. The first references to Dr. Phalange were used in the episodes set in England, in the run up to Ross's marriage to Emily; Phoebe was at home because she couldn't fly overseas pregnant, and she persisted in calling Emily's family in an attempt to warn Ross that Rachel was coming to break up the wedding. When Emily's family became weary of calls from "Ross' friend Phoebe", she invented Dr. Phalange and a disease for Ross to explain his odd behavior. Dr. Phalange later re-surfaced when the group traveled to Las Vegas, and Phoebe was kicked out of a casino for stealing an old lady's jackpot. She tried to convince the security guard that he kicked out Phoebe and that she was Dr. Phalange. Phoebe uses the alias a third time in order to teach Joey how to distinguish if someone is acting or just lying very well. Additionally, in the series finale, Phoebe tries to convince Rachel not to remain on the plane because there's something wrong with the plane's "phalange." Dr. Phalange is recognisable by the odd pronunciation of certain words, most notably her own name (it is pronounced Pha-LAN-gee, with strong emphasis on the second syllable). There is also an occasion when Phoebe refers to Regina Phalange as a different person not actually herself. It happens when special guest Winona Rider's character ask her about ever being part of a sorority. Feeling a little out of the loop for never having attended college, Phoebe comes up with a fake story (in one of her best lines ever) involving a sorority named "Thigh-Mega-Tampon, which was shut after Regina Phalange died of alcohol poisoning".
Marriage
In Season 9, Joey - somewhat inadvertently - introduced Phoebe to Mike Hannigan. Phoebe and Mike had a long relationship which temporarily ended when Phoebe learned Mike didn't want to ever marry her, having already been through a failed marriage. In a later episode, Mike changed his mind and they resumed their relationship. In one of the final episodes, the two were married in the street outside of Central Perk after a blizzard. Monica and Rachel were bridesmaids, Joey officiated the wedding (he had been ordained over the internet for Monica and Chandler's wedding), Chandler gave Phoebe away and Ross, for his sins, held Mike's childhood dog.
Phoebe's Songs and lyrics
"A Few of My Favorite Things"
(Season 1, Episode 1, TOW Monica Gets A New Roommate)
Raindrops on roses
and rabbits and kittens
Bluebells and sleighbells
and something with mittens
la la la la la la something with string...
"Love"
(Season 1, Episode 1, TOW Monica Gets A New Roommate)
Love is sweet as summer showers,
Love is a wondrous work of art,
But your love oh your love, your love...
Is like a giant pigeon...crapping on my heart.
La-la-la-la-la- Thank you (to a man who gives her change).
La-la-la-la...ohhh!
"Blackout"
(Season 1, Episode 7, TOW The Blackout)
New York City has no power
And the milk is getting sour
But to me that is not scary
Cause I stay away from dairy
La-la-la-la-la-la...
"Cremated Mother"
(Season 1, Episode 10, TOW The Monkey)
My mother's ashes,
even her eyelashes
Are resting in a little yellow jar
And sometimes when it's breezy
Or when I'm feeling sneezy
And now I...
"Snowman"
(Season 1, Episode 10, TOW The Monkey)
I made a man with eyes of coal and a smile so bewitchin'
How was I supposed to know that my mom was dead in the kitchen
La-la-la-la-la-la-la...
"Coma Guy"
(Season 1, Episode 11, TOW Mrs. Bing)
You don't have to be awake to be my man
As long as you have brain waves I'll be there to hold your hand.
Though we just met the other day
There's something I have go to say...
"Babies"
(Season 1, Episode 23, TOW The Birth)
They're tiny and chubby and so sweet to touch
Soon they'll grow up and resent you so much
Now they're yelling at you and you don't know why
And you cry and you cry and you cry
And you cry and you cry...
"They Found Their Bodies"
(Season 1, Episode 23, TOW The Birth)
And they found their bodies the very next day
They found their bodies the very next day...
"Double, Double, Double-jointed Boy"
(Season 2, Episode 6, TOW The Baby On The Bus)
He was a double, double, double-jointed boy
"Charity"
(Season 2, Episode 6, TOW The Baby On The Bus)
When I play I play for me
I don't need your charity!
"I'm In the Shower"
(Season 2, Episode 6, TOW The Baby On The Bus)
I'm in the shower and I'm writing a song
Stop me if you've heard it
My skin is soapy and my hair is wet
And tegrin spelled backward is nirget. Lather, rinse, repeat
Lather, rinse, repeat
Lather, rinse, repeat
As needed!
"Smelly Cat"
(Season 2, Episode 6, TOW The Baby On The Bus; Season 3, Episode 14, TOW Phoebe’s Ex-Partner; Season 4, Episode 5 TOW Joey's New Girlfriend; Season 4, Episode 18, TOW Rachel's New Dress)
Smelly cat, smelly cat
What are they feeding you?
Smelly cat, smelly cat
It's not your fault
They won't take you to the vet
You're obviously not their favorite pet
You may not be a bed of roses
And you're no friend to those with noses
"Stephanie"
(Season 2, Episode 6, TOW The Baby On The Bus)
Stephanie knows all the chords!
"Terry's a Jerk!"
(Season 2, Episode 6, TOW The Baby On The Bus)
Terry's a jerk!
And he won't let me work!
And I hate Central Perk!
And you're all invited to bite me!
"Two of Them Kissed Last Night"
(Season 2, Episode 8, TOW The List)
There was a girl we'll call her Betty
And a guy let's call him Neil
Now I can't stress this point too strongly
This story isn't real.
Now our Neil must decide
Who will be the girl that he casts aside?
Will Betty be the one who he loves truly
Or will it be the one who we'll call L-L-Lulie?
He must decide, he must decide
Even though I made him up he must decide.
"Barnyard Animals"
(Season 2, Episode 12 TO After The Superbowl)
Oh the cow in the meadow goes "moo"
Oh the cow in the meadow goes "moo"
Then the farmer hits him on the head and grinds him up
And that's how we get hamburgers.
Now...chickens!
"That's Another Thing That You Don't Wanna Do"
(Season 2, Episode 12 TO After The Superbowl)
There'll be times when you get older
And you'll want to sleep with people
Just to make them like you
But DON'T
Cause that's another thing that you don't wanna do
That's another thing that you don't wanna do
"Bisexuals"
(Season 2, Episode 12 TO After The Superbowl)
Sometimes men love women
And sometimes men love men
Then there are bisexuals
Though some just say they're kidding themselves
La-la-la-la-la-la...
"Grandma"
(Season 2, Episode 12 TO After The Superbowl)
Now grandma's a person who everyone likes
She brought you a train and a bright shiny bike
But lately she hasn't been coming to dinner
And last time you saw her she looked so much thinner.
Now your mom and your dad said she moved to Peru,
But the truth is she died and someday you will too
La-la-la-la-la...
"Crusty Old Man"
(Season 2, Episode 18, TOW Dr. Ramoray Dies)
And the crusty old man said "I'll do what I can"
And the rest of the rats played maracas.
"Endless Love"
(Season 3, Episode 8, TOW The Giant Poking Device)
(Chandler) I’ll hold you close in my aaarms.
I can’t resist your charm. And loooove...
(Phoebe joins in) Looooove...
I’ll be a foool for youuuu. I’m sure, you know I don’t mind.
(Chandler) No you know I don’t mind.
(Chandler & Phoebe) And yes! You mean the world the world to meeee. Oooh...
(Chandler) I know.
(Phoebe) I know.
(Chandler) I’ve found.
(Phoebe) I've found...
(Chandler & Phoebe) in youuuu, my endless looov...
My endless looove...
looove...
love...
(Chandler) looove
(Phoebe) love
(Chandler) looove...
"Jingle Bitch"
(Season 3, Episode 14, TOW Phoebe’s Ex-Partner)
Jingle b*tch screwed me over
Go to hell jingle whore
Go to hell, go to hell, go to h-h-hell
"Sticky Shoes"
My favorite shoes so good to me
I wear them everyday
Down at the heel, holes in the toe
Don't care what people say
My feet's best friend, pals to the end
With them I'm one hot chicky
Though late one night
Not much light
I stepped in something icky
Sticky shoes, sticky shoes
Always makes me smile
Sticky shoes, sticky shoes
Next time I'll avoid the pile
"Crazy Underwear"
(Season 3, Episode 23, TOW Ross' Thing)
Crazy underwear creeping up my butt
Crazy underwear always in a rut
Crazy underwear...
"66 Colors"
(Season 4, Episode 1, TOW The Jellyfish)
...fuschia and mauve
Those are the 66 colors of my bedroom
"Dumb Drunken Bitch"
(Season 4, Episode 2, TOW The Cat)
...dumb drunken bitch!!
"Parading Goats"
(Season 4, Episode 5, TOW Joey's New Girlfriend)
Parading goats are parading,
Parading down the street.
Parading goats are parading,
Leaving little treats.
"My Sticky Shoe"
(Season 4, Episode 5, TOW With Joey's New Girlfriend)
My sticky shoe
My sticky, sticky shoe
Why you stick on me, baaay-bay?
"Tony Tarzan"
(Season 4, Episode 7, TOW Chandler Crosses The Line)
Little Tony Tarzan
Swinging on an nose hair
Swinging with the greatest of ease...
"Holiday Song" (Final version)
(Season 4, Episode 10, TOW The Girl From Poughkeepsie)
Went to the store, sat on Santa's lap
Asked him to bring my friends all kinds of crap
Said all you need is to write them a song
Now you haven't heard it yet so don't try to sing along
No don't sing along
Monica, Monica, have a happy Hanukkah
Saw Santa Claus, he said hello to Ross
And please tell Joey, Christmas will be snowwwwwy
And Rachel and Chandler, (mumbles something) handler!
"Little Fetus"
(Season 4, Episode 12, TOW The Embryos)
Are you in there little fetus?
In nine months will you come greet us?
I will buy you some Adidas
"Little Black Curly Hair"
(Season 6, Episode 3, TOW Ross' Denial)
I found you in my bed...
How'd you wind up there?
You are a mystery
Little black curly hair
Little black curly hair
Little black, little black,
Little black, little black,
Little black curly hair
"Two Heart Attacks"
(Season 6, Episode 16, TOW Could Have Been Part 2)
It only takes two heart attacks
to finally make you see
one of them won't do it
but the second will set you free
Tell all your hate and anger
it's time to say good bye
and that is just what I will do
as soon as those bastards I work for die
La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la...
"The First Time I Met Chandler"
(Season 7, Episode 1, TOW Monica's Thunder)
First time I met chandler
I thought he was gay
but here I am singing
on his wedding day
"Whenever I Get Married"
(Season 7, Episode 1, TOW Monica's Thunder)
Whenever I get married
Guess who I won't ask to sing!
Somebody named Geller! And somebody else named Bing!!!
"Thought Phoebe Would Leave"
(Season 7, Episode 1, TOW Monica's Thunder)
We thought Phoebe would leave
But she just stayed and stayed
That's right, here all night
And Chandler will never get laid
"Argentina"
(Season 9, Episode 19, TOW Rachel's Dream)
And there’s a country called Argentina
It’s a place I’ve never seen
But I'm told for fifty pesos
You can buy a human spleeeeen
Human spleen!
Olé!
"The Woman Smelled Like Garbage"
(Season 9, Episode 19, TOW Rachel's Dream)
It wasn’t just that she was fat,
The woman smelled like garbage!
Everyone!
It wasn’t just that she was fat,
The woman smelled like garbage!
"Javu"
(Season 9, Episode 19, TOW Rachel's Dream)
The food here at Javu...will kill you!
The food here at Javu...will kill you!
"When The Sun Comes Up"
(Season 10, Episode 17-18, The Last One)
Daa - raa...
When the sun comes up, bright and beaming!
And the moon comes...
"Don't Take No For An Answer"
(Season 10, Episode 17-18, The Last One)
Bam-bam, don't take no for an answer
Bam-bam, don't let love fly away
Bam-bam-bam-bam...
Songs mentioned but not sung
- Ode to a Pubic Hair
- Ballad of the Uncircumcised Man
- Pervert Parade
- You Suck
- Pepper People
- Shut Up and Go Home