The Fast Show
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The Fast Show is a BBC comedy Sketch show programme which ran from 1994 to 2000. It also produced two national tours, the first in 1998 with the cast of the BBC spoof quiz show Shooting Stars, and the second being their 'Farewell Tour' in 2002. It was very loosely structured and relied heavily on character comedy, long-running gags, and endless catchphrases.
Many catchphrases from the programme have entered use in the English language, and many of the comedians have now become household names: Paul Whitehouse, Charlie Higson, Simon Day, Mark Williams, John Thomson, Arabella Weir and Caroline Aherne.
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Characters
The show featured many memorable characters, they are listed here by performer.
Charlie Higson
- (with Arabella Weir:) Friendly but naked newlyweds.
- Colin Hunt, unfunny office practical joker.
- Colin Hunt's office trolly, geddit? *whack*
- Note: The writers claim Colin is based on fans of comedy sketch shows, who constantly repeat the catchphrases the next day. The name C. Hunt is also one character away from a common insult applied to such people.
- Johnny Nice Painter, who goes insane at the mention of the colour black.
- Geoffrey Norman MP, the Tory politician who denies everything.
- Swiss Toni, a car salesman who compares everything to making love to a beautiful woman.
- Fitting a carpet is much like making love to a beautiful woman. You lay her out, pin her down and walk all over her.
- Note: Went on to star in a show of his own.
Paul Whitehouse
- Rowley Birkin QC, drunk old upper class man telling stories by the fire.
- ... I'm afraid I was very, very drunk.
- Brilliant Kid, who walks through a series of peculiar backgrounds describing various things that he feels are 'brilliant' (which are often completely innocuous, everyday things).
- The irritating rambler.
- The 13th Duke of Wybourne, posh, rumpled dinner jacketed, cigar smoker, finds himself in unsuitable places
- Me, the 13th Duke of Wybourne, here? In a student nurses' halls of residence? With my reputation? What do they take me for?
- Archie the pub bore.
- Ron Manager, nonsense talking football pundit.
- It's a far cry from small boys in the park, jumpers for goalposts. Isn't it? Mmmmm. Marvellous.
- Unlucky Alf, the lonely old pensioner for whom nothing ever goes right. Often heard to utter the phrase "Awww bugger!"
- The 'monster' who terrorizes a young woman in her bed in the middle of the night with betting tips. His physical appearance is based on Nosferatu, his voice and catchphrase is taken from football agent Eric Hall.
- Monster, monster!
- Chris the Crafty Cockney, claims to be an incurable kleptomaniac ("I'll nick anything me"). He is left alone with something valuable, and invariably steals it. Often says that he's "a little bit woah, a little bit wayyy, a little bit whooosh!"
Charlie Higson & Paul Whitehouse
- Bob Fleming (Higson), the host of Country Matters, who has an extremely bad cough, along with his friends; sneezing Clive Tucker; hiccupping Murtagh Blethyn; and, of course, Jed Thomas (Whitehouse), the man who can't stop saying "ARSE!".
- Ted & Ralph - country squire Lord Ralph Mayhew (Higson) attempts to strike up an intimate relationship with his estate worker Ted (Whitehouse).
- Note: These two characters starred in their own made-for-TV movie "Ted and Ralph" in 1998, which starred Whitehouse, Higson and other Fast Show regulars. Whitehouse also put in a cameo appearance as Rowley Birkin QC.
- The Offroaders, Simon Bush (Higson) and Lyndsay Mottram (Whitehouse), filmed by their friend Baz while they try impressive extreme sports, but fail to hide the fact that they are not talented.
- Gripped, Sorted, Let's off-road
Mark Williams
- Jesse and his strange diets, fashion tastes and experiments.
- This week, I have been mostly eating ...
- 'You Ain't Seen Me, Right?' .
- Patrick Nice, a man who has amazing luck, but remains very calm. Wins lottery twice in a row, and sees R.E.M. perform an impromptu concert at the ceremony where his son is awarded the nobel price for chemistry.
- ...and I was rummaging around in the attic and I found the original copy of the Bible. Which was nice.
Simon Day
- Competitive Dad, who believes that his children should be equally as good at everything as he is.
- Dave Angel, Eco-Warrior.
- Carl Hooper, Australian presenter of That's Amazing.
- Billy Bleach, pub know-it-all who gets it all wrong.
- Note: This character starred in his own series, 'Grass' which was shown on BBC Three.
- John Actor, who plays Monkfish, the tough uncompromising cop.
Arabella Weir
- No Offence, a rude South African department store cosmetics sales woman.
- Insecure Woman, Does my bum look big in this?.
John Thompson
- Brilliant Kid's Father, who walks around moaning about everyday things that are 'rubbish', which seems to include everything and everybody except Des Lynam.
- Chip Cobb, the Deaf Stuntman, who mishears normal things as instructions to perform some dangerous stunt.
- Louis Balfour, presenter of Jazz Club (a very obvious parody of The Old Grey Whistle Test).
- mmmmm, Nice!
- Professor Denzil Dexter of the University of Southern California and his various bizarre scientific experiments.
Caroline Aherne
- Checkout Girl, who comments on every purchase.
- Janine Carr, teenage mum with a unique world outlook.
Jeff Harding
- Ed Winchester, an American TV presenter, presumably of travelogues, who only gets to introduce himself.
- Hi, I'm Ed Winchester., except for the one episode in which he said "Hi! I'm Ed Winchester. And I'd like to take a moment of your time to talk to you about the love of our Lord, Jesus Christ..."
- In one episode, someone else actually introduced himself as Ed Winchester. He then followed with "No I'm not. I don't know why I just said that."
- Another episode saw several other (presumably) American presenters follow Ed with similar introductions ("I'm Ramone Valentino..." ) before Ed squeezes in with "...and I'm Ed Winchester"
Mixed performances
- Bono Estente, Hethethethethethe hethethethethethetheth, Sminki-pinki, Chris Waddle. Boutros Boutros Gali.
- Also on Chanel 9:
- The weather forecast, presented by Poula Fisch (Aherne), which is always the same (Scorchio!, which apparently means 'hot').
- Advertisements for the 'Gizmo', an orange pump-action device. A number of these are advertised for a multitude of different purposes, in spite of the fact that the device is always exactly the same.
- Disco Baby, Sexy Baby song performed by Higson dressed as a hairy overweight 70's disco star.
- Arthur Atkinson, parody of 1940s music hall entertainers (Whitehouse), introduced by Tommy Cockles (Day), himself a parody of presenters of TV history.
- How queer! Where's me washboard?
- Roy & Renée (Thompson & Aherne), endless chattering from Renée and her verbally challenged husband Roy.
- Ken and Kenneth, the "Suit you!" tailors who bombard potential customers with suggestions about their private life, (Whitehouse and Williams).
- The Patagonians, a group of South American musicians who seem to never be able to get further than a few seconds into a song before stopping. They play in bizarre locations, and notable instruments they use are pan pipes, an acoustic guitar and maracas.
Trivia
- A great favourite of Johnny Depp who appeared in a sketch with the "Suit You" tailors ("An American Gentleman") in The Last Fast Show Ever, screened in three parts over Christmas 2000 to end the show.
- Aherne starred in all three series, but did not appear in the final show The Last Fast Show Ever, presumably because of her commitment to the BBC sitcom The Royle Family.
- When the programme was shown on BBC America it was renamed 'Brilliant' to avoid confusion with an American programme of the same name.