Lightbulb joke

The lightbulb joke is an example of an endless-variations joke and has possibly thousands of versions covering every imaginable culture, belief, occupation and special-interest group. Generally the punchline is not complimentary to the group providing the subject of the joke.

The generally acknowledged "original" goes as follows:

Q: How many [insert chosen group here] does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Ten - one to hold the lightbulb and nine to turn the ladder around.

Contents

1 Basic Variations 2 Subject Variations 3 General all-purpose ethnic version 4 Comprehensive variations listing 5 Geographical or ethnic variations 6 Philosophical or religious variations 7 Occupational or behavioural variations 7.1 Trekker variations 7.2 Programming language variations 8 Too-odd-to-categorize variations 9 Long lightbulb jokes 9.1 Lawyers 9.2 Usenet subscribers 9.3 Debian developers 9.4 Digital Equipment Corporation Employees 10 Other 11 See also 12 External Links

Basic Variations

Even the original is subject to variation, the most common involving more people turning the entire house around.

Once the subject is chosen, variations on the joke tend to achieve their comedic effect by highlighting features of the cultural or social group based on altering five main variables:

1. the quantity (ten, three, two, none, millions) of light bulb changers can be adjusted in unexpected ways in the punchline
2. the duration can be introduced as a variable, usually if the answer is "one"
3. the word screw can be used to mean either a threaded fastener or the act of sexual intercourse
4. the word light can be used to mock or highlight the attitude of the subject towards light or darkness
5. the word change can refer either to replacing a light bulb or making a cultural or structural change

Other variations exist that achieve their effect through dramatic alteration of the joke paradigm itself; for example, by revealing the joke variables in an extremely long fashion.

Subject Variations

There is no uniformity as to the target of derision: in America it has been the Polish people, while in Great Britain it is the Irish who are lampooned. The jokes are by no means limited to English-speaking countries. For example, the Russians tell the same joke about the Moldavians, Chukchi and Ukrainians. The Ukrainians, in turn, tell it about Russians; the Spanish make fun of the inhabitants of Lepe, while the Colombians make fun of the inhabitants of Nariño, and the rest of the Spanish-speaking population laugh at the Galicians; the Brazilians mock the Portuguese; the Norwegians laugh at their Swedish neighbours, and conversely, the Swedes tell the same joke about Norwegians; the Germans target the East Frisians; The Dutch and French target their Belgian neighbours and the Indians target the Pakistanis. The Finns target everyone, including themselves.

General all-purpose ethnic version

This generic usability prompted one commentator to create the "all-purpose ethnic version" which reads as follows:

Q: How many members of a given ethnic community does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Ten - one to hold the lightbulb and nine to behave in a fashion generally associated with a negative stereotype of that group.

Comprehensive variations listing

A comprehensive listing of known variations has been provided. Note that in many cases multiple answers are provided. The following list of joke variants is broadly grouped into four categories:

• Geographical or ethnic variations
• Philosophical or religious variations
• Occupational or behavioural variations
  • Trekker variations, related to the Star Trek television show
  • Programming language variations, related to computing
• Too odd to categorize variations

See "essay-style" versions of the joke below under "Long lightbulb jokes".

Geographical or ethnic variations

Nations and their armies - Q: How many armies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: At least six. The Germans to start it, the French to give up without really trying, the Italians to start, get nowhere and try again from the other side, the Russians to do most of the work, the Americans to finish off the job and then claim credit for the whole thing, and the Swiss to pretend that nothing happened. (See WWII)

Blacks - Q: How many black people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: The light's out, how can you count them?

Californians - Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A1: Six. One to screw it in and five to share the experience.
A2: None. Californians don't screw in lightbulbs; they screw in hot tubs!

Northern Californians - Q: How many Northern Californians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Hella.

Los Angeles - Q: How many Los Angelinos does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but his/her illegal housekeeper actually does it.

The Finnish - Q: How many Finns does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. As soon as they note that the bulb is made of glass and has threads, they'll be too busy trying to figure out how to drink it.

The French - Q: How many Frenchmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: Only one. He holds the lightbulb while the world revolves around him.
A2: One to change the bulb, and another to claim afterwards that he was for the bulb-changing the entire time.

Hungarians - Q: How many Hungarians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: A lot. As soon as someone would get up on the ladder, the others would drag him back anyway.
A2: None. They'll just invent something with half the cost.

Iraqis - How many Iraqis to change a lightbulb?

• None. Looters already stole them all.
• None. Ever since Iraq was invaded by the Ohioans, there has been no electricity.

Irishmen - Q: How many Irishmen does it take to change a lightbulb?

• 100. One to hold the bulb in place and 99 to turn the building around
• 10. One to hold the bulb in place and 9 to drink until the room spins

New Jerseyites - Q: How many New Jerseyites does it take to change a light bulb?

• Just one, but he has to take all the crap from the New Yorkers and Philadelphians who are too stupid to figure out that he is perfectly capable of doing it all by himself.
• It is illegal to change your own light bulbs in the state of New Jersey

New Yorker - Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to change a light bulb?

• Whazzit to ya?
• 39: One to change it, 38 to stand watching without doing anything to try to stop it. (See Kitty Genovese)

Newfies - How many Newfies to change a lightbulb?

• Newfies don't change light bulbs, they only change dark bulbs.
• You must be on Toronto time, that lightbulb has already been replaced for an hour and a half now and all the lads've gone fishin'.

North Elbonians - Q: How many North Elbonians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, North Elbonians don't have any lightbulbs.

Ohioans - How many Ohioans does it take to change a light bulb?

• Negative 32768.000, as precisely calculated by Diebold.
• None, they haven't had electricity since the Blackout of 2003.

Oregonians - Q: How many Oregonians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to screw in the lightbulb and two to fend off all those Californians trying to share the experience.

Quebecers - Q: How many Quebecers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Fifty percent, plus one.

Russians: - Q: How many Russians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: IN SOVIET RUSSIA, THE LIGHTBULB CHANGES YOU!! (See In Soviet Russia)

San Francisco: - Q: How many straight San Franciscans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Both of them.

San Francisco - How many San Franciscans does it take to change a lightbulb?

• One million and one: One to hold the bulb over the San Andreas Fault, one million to shake the earth.

South Carolinians: - Q: How many South Carolinians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but first he declares that it is his right to do it himself without federal interference, then he secedes from the Union when the Feds try to send in troops. He gets all his neighbors to fight with him, they lose a long and bloody war at the end of which his house is burned down. What was the question again?

North Carolinians: - Q: How many North Carolinians does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: You know, those South Carolina boys get us into more trouble

The Spanish: - Q: How many Spaniards does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Juan.

Swedes: - Q: How many Swedes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 101. One to hold the lightbulb and a hundred to turn the house around.

Ukraine: How many in Ukraine to change a light bulb?
A: None. In Chernobyl, one just holds the bulb and it glows by itself.

Valley girls - Q: How many valley girls does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Like manual labor? Gag me with a spoon! Fer shure!

Virginians - Q: How many Virginians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to screw it in and two to talk about how wonderful the old one was in the good old days.

Philosophical or religious variations

Amish - How many Amish to change a light bulb?
A: None. We don't believe in lightbulbs. God will provide light unto the world.

Arabs - Q: How many Arabs does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. Arabs just sit in the dark and blame it on the jews.

Ayatollahs - How many ayatollahs to change a light bulb?
A: None; there were no lightbulbs in the 12th century.

Calvinist Christians - Q: How many Calvinist Christians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. God has already decided whether the bulb is destined for light or eternal darkness, and nothing we can do will change that. (See Predestination (Calvinism)).

Catholics - Q: How many Catholics does it take to change a lightbulb?
Answers:

• Three, but they're really only One. (This is a reference to the Trinity.)
• None; they use candles.

Chateauvians - Q: How many Chateauvians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five, one to change the light bulb and four to set the couches on fire.

Christians - Q: How many Christians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Answers:

• 1000001: One to change it, one million to proclaim "I have seen the light! Alleluia!"
• None. Though we can facilitate the change, you must remember that light can only be redeemed by the Grace of God through his only son Jesus Christ.

Conservatives - Q: How many conservatives does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Five. One to change the bulb, and another four to reminisce about how great the old one was.

Existentialists - Q: How many existentialists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.

Feminists - Q: How many Feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Answers:

• None. Feminists can't change anything.
  
• One, and that's not funny!!!
  
• Two. One to screw in the lightbulb and one to berate any men who offer to help
  
• Three: One to screw in the lightbulb and two to discuss how the bulb is exploiting the socket.
  
• Two. One to screw it in, and one to suck my dick.
  
• Two. One to denounce the defiling of the socket, and one to wish (secretly) she were the socket.
• Seven. One to change it, one to accept it as it is, five to do a happy dance while espousing Earth-friendly vegetarian principles.
• Eleven. One to change it and ten to form a support group.

Greek Orthodox Priests - Q: How many Greek Orthodox priests does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: What do you mean, "change"!?

Jews - Q: How many Israeli Extremists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Twenty five; one to change the lightbulb, one to shoot the man that sold him the lightbulb, twenty to invade the village of the man who sold the lightbulb and demolish all the homes in the street he lived in, and three to denounce as antisemitic anyone who thinks it is an overreaction.

Q: How many Lubavichers does it take to replace a lightbulb?

A: Three, one to screw it in and two to convince everyone else to do it too.

Q: How many Satmarers does it take to replace a lightbulb?

A: Two, one to screw it in and another to denounce it as a Zionist plot.

Q: How many Bratslavers does it take to replace a lightbulb?

A: Bratslavers don't replace lightbulbs, because they know they'll never find one as good as the old one.

Jewish mothers - Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, I'll just sit here in the dark, and this pain I have - oy vey you should never know...
also used for Welsh mothers - "Don't worry dearie, I'll just sit here in the dark, alone."

Liberals - Q: How many liberals does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Five. One to screw it in and four to screw it up.

Libertarians - Q: How many Libertarians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, the free market will take care of it.

Marxists - Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Answers:

• None: The lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
  
• The bulb cannot be changed — it has to be smashed.

Methodists - Q: How many Methodists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: CHANGE?!

Narcissists - Q: How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light-bulb?
A. Just one ... but he has to wait for the entire world to revolve around him.

Nihilists - Q: How many nihilists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Who the fuck cares?

"Pro-choicers" - Q. How many "pro-choicers" does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. One to screw in the bulb and four to march through Washington protesting that the lightbulb has a constitutional right to choose when it wants to be lit.

"Pro-lifers" - Q: How many "pro-lifers" does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 6: Two to screw in the bulb and four to testify that it was lit from the moment they began screwing.

Quakers - Q: How many Quakers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Answers:

• None; Quakers have the Inner Light.
  
• 12: We must form a committee about it.

Socialists - Q: How many socialists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One to petition the Ministry of Light for a bulb, fifty to establish the state production quota, two hundred militia to force the factory unions to allow production of the bulb, and one to surreptitiously order an American lightbulb.

Sound engineers - Q: How many sound engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One-two, one-two, one-two.

Surrealists - Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Answers:

• Fish.
  
• To get to the other side.
  
• Two: one to hold the giraffe, and one to put the clocks in the bath tub.
  
• Two: one to hold the giraffe, and one to fill the bath tub with brightly colored power tools.
  
• Two: one to fill the bath tub with water, one to run a wire from the tub to the bulb.
• Three: one to change the bulb, one to hold the ladder.
• Three: one to hold the giraffe, one to rewire the fruit bowl and one to occupy a non-dimensional N-space.

Ufologists - Q: How many ufologists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: It's *NOT* funny.

Unitarian Universalists - Q: How many Unitarian Universalists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a lightbulb. However, if, in your own journey, you have found that lightbulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your lightbulb, and present it next month at our annual lightbulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of lightbulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life, and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

Wikipedians - Q: How many Wikipedians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 4, one to change the bulb, a second to write a lengthy article about the historical ramifications of changing light bulbs, and a third to start an edit war with the second. Oh, and the person that invariably lists it on VfD. This light-bulb has blown. You can help Wikipedia by changing it.

Yuppies or WASPs - Q: How many Yuppies (or WASPs) does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two, one to mix the martinis and the other to call the electrician.

Zen Masters - Q: How many Zen Masters does it take to change a lightbulb?
Answers:

• A tree in a golden forest.
  
• It takes only one Master to enlighten the young novice bulb.
• Two. One to change and one not to change.
  
  • "One to change and one not to change" is fake Zen. The true Zen answer is "Four. One to change the bulb."
    
• Three. Two to fetch the wood and one to enlighten the novice.
  
• Four. One to change the bulb, one not to change the bulb, one to both change and not-change the bulb, and one to neither change nor not-change the bulb.

Zionists - Q: How many Zionists does it take to replace a lightbulb?
A: Four, one to stay home and convince someone else to do it, a second to donate the bulb, a third to screw it in, and a fourth to proclaim that the entire Jewish nation stands behind their actions.

Occupational or behavioural variations

Accountants - How many accountants does it take to change a lightbulb?

• What kind of answer did you have in mind?

Activists - How many activists does it take to change a lightbulb?

• ∞. Activists have never changed anything.

ADD kids - How many ADD kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

• Mmm.. Cookies!
• Wanna go ride bikes?

Apple Newton users - How many Apple Newton users does it take to change a lightbulb?

• Foux! There to eat lemons, axe gravy soup.

Actors - How many actors to change a lightbulb?

• Five. One to climb the ladder, four to say "That should be me up there!"
• None. The stunt double does it for him.

Babysitters How many babysitters?

• You are joking? They can't even change a dirty diaper!

Bisexuals How many bisexuals to change a lightbulb?

• However many turns you on ;)
• That depends... is it AC/DC?
• Three or more... it's more fun to fumble in the dark that way instead of being alone.

Bluegrass Musicians - Q: How many bluegrass musicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

• One to screw it in, and five more to complain that it's electric!

Brewers - Q: How many brewers does it take to change a lightbulb?

• About one third less than for a regular bulb.

Beta testers - Q: How many beta testers does it take to change a light bulb?

• None. They just find the problems, they don't fix them.
• We're not sure, but it's not what the programmer intended.
• However many will return an error message.

Bush administration - Q: How many Bush Administration officials does it take to screw in a light bulb?

• None. There is nothing wrong with the light bulb; its conditions are improving every day. Any reports of its lack of incandescence are a delusional spin from the liberal media. That light bulb has served honorably, and anything you say undermines the lighting effect. Why do you hate freedom?

Cab drivers - Q:How many Cab Drivers does it take to change a lightbulb?

• (Sucks teeth) All the way up there? At this time of night? You must be joking, guv!

Cashiers How many cashiers?

• Are you joking? They can't even change a five-dollar bill!

Central Intelligence Agency - How many CIA agents does it take to change a lightbulb?

• Ten thousand: one to change the bulb, one to botch the job, and the rest to form a massive cover-up.
• If I were to tell you that, I would have to kill you.

Civil servants - How many civil servants...?

• One to screw it in, one to screw it up.
• Two; one to reassure the public that everything possible is being done, while the other screws it into a water faucet.

Canada - How many Canadian civil servants to change a bulb?

• Two. One to replace the bulb. Un autre pour le remplacer encore une fois, mais en français.
• An entire committee. "Would you please fill out these forms? We shall get back to you shortly." "Remplissez çes formules, SVP. Nous vous rejoindrons sous peu..."

Clarinetists - How many clarinetists does it take to change a lightbulb?

• Just one, but he goes through the whole box to find just the right one.

College students - How many college students does it take to screw a lightbulb?

• I don't know, will this be on the test? (See also, lightbulb joke (university).)

Committee members - How many committee members does it take to change a lightbulb?

• This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is incomplete pending resolution of some action items noted in the minutes. It will be continued next week. Meanwhile...

Computer programmers - How many computer programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?

• Two; one resigns halfway through the project.
• 10. One to change the bulb and one to explain binary.
• None; real computer geeks prefer LEDs.
• Sorry, that's a hardware problem!

(But also see Programming language variations.)

Consultants - Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?

• One, that'll be $50 please.

Country and Western Singers - Q: How many country and western singers does it take to change a lightbulb?

• Four. One to change it, one to sing about how heartbroken he is at the loss of the old one, one to sing about how madly in love she is with the new one, and one to go "Yeeeee-Hah !" and throw his hat in the air.

Cryonicists - Q: How many cryonicists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

• None. They just sit in the dark and wait for technology to screw it in.

Data Modelers - Q: How many Data Modelers does it take to change a light bulb?

• Changing a light bulb is a process, and we don't do processes.

Economic Theorists - Q: How many Economic Theorists does it take to change a light bulb?

• Two. One to screw in the bulb and another to hold all other conditions constant.

Free-market Economists - Q: How many Free-market Economists does it take to change a light bulb?

• None, they just sit in the dark and wait for Adam Smith's invisible hand to do it.

Neo-classical Economists - Q: How many Neo-classical Economists does it take to change a light bulb?

• None. Obviously, if people wanted a bright room, someone would have changed the light bulb already.

Thatcherites - Q: How many Thatcherites does it take to change a light bulb?

• No amount of Thatcherites will do it, as it is up to the private sector to provide the finance for it.

Efficiency experts - How many efficiency experts...?

• 0.50000; s/he waits for all the lights to go out, then heads for the factory floor with one bulb in each hand.

Electrical Engineers - Q: How many electrical engineers does it take to change a lightblub?

• This can be solved in software. Get a computer programmer to do it.
• That is the electrician's job. I am a specialist.

Emo Kids - Q: How many Emo Kids does it take to change a lightbulb?

• None - they just sit in the dark, rock back and forth and cry...
• .|When"Will^They.Understand-My!Darkness>?

Evolution Theoreticists - Q: How many Evolution Theoreticists does it take to change a lightbulb?

• One, but it takes millions of years.

Field Service Technicians - Q: How many Field Service Technicians does it take to change a light bulb?

• None, they aren't allowed to climb ladders.
• Two, one to replace it with an already burned out bulb, and the second to fly in a good bulb from the factory.

Football players - Q: How many football players does it take to change a lightbulb?

• The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!

Fraternity brothers - Q: How many fratboys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

• None; fratboys don't screw in lightbulbs; they screw in pools of vomit.

Freudians - Q: How many Freudians does it take to change a lightbulb?

• Two; One to change the bulb and one to hold my penis... I mean, my mother... I mean, the ladder.

Gays and lesbians - How many gays and lesbians to change a lightbulb?

• None. We must fully respect and value the diversity of light bulbs everywhere, whether they be incandescent, fluorescent, AC/DC or even black-light bulbs, instead of engaging in any further marginalisation in a futile attempt to pressure them to change against their will.

Gay men - How many gay men does it take to change a lightbulb?

• Two. One to buy an Art Deco bulb, and one to shriek, "FAAAAAAAAAbulous!"

Goths - Q: How many goths does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

• None, they just embrace the darkness.

Graduate students - Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

• Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done.

Hardware Engineers - How many Hardware Engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?

• None. "This is not supported in the current revision."
• None. "We have an identical lightbulb here and ours is working just fine."
• None. "We'll fix it in software."

(But also see Programming language variations.)

Hipsters - Q: How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb?

• (with disdain) You don't know that one? I have that joke on vinyl.

Hooligans - Q: How many hooligans does it take to change a lightbulb?

• Ten: one to hold the bulb in the socket and nine to drink so much beer the room starts to turn around.

Judges - Q: How many judges does it take to change a lightbulb?

• Three: One to turn it, and two to "overturn" it. (Told by Harry Anderson in Night Court)
• Four: one trial judge to change the bulb, and three appellate judges to tell him he did it wrong.

Kinky sex practicioners - Q: How many practicioners of kinky sex does it take to put in a lightbulb?
A: Only one, but it takes the entire ER to get it out.

Lojbanists - Q: How many Lojbanists does it take to change a broken light bulb?

• Two: one to decide what to change it into, and one to figure out what kind of bulb emits broken light.

Lokpukaita speakers - Q: How many Lokpukaita speakers does it take to change a lightbulb?

• Any number, so long as x₁ gives the temporary state of being replaced to the lightbulb.

Lawrence Welk - How many Lawrence Welk fans...?

• A one, and a two, and a...

Lawyers - How many lawyers to change a lightbulb?

• Three. One to prosecute, one to defend, one to screw it the same way they do everything else.
• How many can you afford?

Mafioso - How many Goodfellas does it take to change a lightbulb?

• Fugedaboutit

Mac users - How many Mac users does it take to change a lightbulb?

• None. A background system process automatically changes lightbulbs and doesn't bother to interrupt the user to tell them.
• One, and the bulb'll last longer. BulbXP had a nasty habit of blowing at the worst time whereas iBulb (or more recently Bulb X) has a longer life.
• Precisely half that of a Windows lightbulb.
• That depends. G5 lightbulbs don't break any more, and G4 lightbulbs used to change themselves before blowing.
• The answer to this question is located in Macintosh HD:Users:Admin:System:Lighting:Bulbs.
• One, and the bulb'll be white and not beige.
• Two. One to install one lightbulb each, which run at a combined efficiency exceeding that of two single bulbs.

Mathematicians - Q: How many Mathematicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: None. It's left as an exercise for the reader.

A2: In a recent article, Robertson states:

A: One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem to an earlier joke...

However, in earlier work, Wiener [1] has shown that one mathematician can change a lightbulb:

If k mathematicians can change a lightbulb, and if one more simply watches them do it, then k+1 mathematicians will have changed the lightbulb.

It is vacuously true that in a group of 0 mathematicians, any one of them can change a lightbulb. Therefore, by induction, for all n in the positive integers, n mathematicians can change a lightbulb.

Bibliography -

See also : Internet humor[1] Wiener, Matthew P., <11485@ucbvax>, Re: YALBJ, 1986

Medical students - How many pre-med students to change a bulb?

• Three. One to change it, two to kick the ladder out from under 'em.
• Six. One to change it and five to appeal the grade.
• Nine: Two to conclude it can't be done, and seven to complain that it wasn't covered in the review, so you can't expect them to know how.

Mensa Members - How many members of Mensa does it take to change a lightbulb?

• One.

Microsoft executives - How many Microsoft executives does it take to change a lightbulb?

• 1001.000: one to install the new bulb, plus one thousand lawyers to assert intellectual property rights over every light bulb ever invented.
• Microsoft doesn't change lightbulbs; it declares Darkness^TM the new standard.

Middle managers - How many middle managers does it take to change a lightbulb?

• None. Our firm prefers to contract out such matters.
• I'll have to get back to you on that.

Movie Directors - Q: How many movie directors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one, but he wants to do it thirty-two times and when he's finished everyone will think that his last lightbulb was much better.

Mystery Writers - Q: How many mystery writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.

Otaku - Q. How many otaku does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Ichi! ^_^;;

Pentium owners - Q: How many Pentium owners does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 0.99987, but that's close enough for most applications.

Pimps - Q: How many pimps does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, one to hold the bulb and one to drive the pink Cadillac round in circles.

Psychiatrists - Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Only one, but the lightbulb has to really want to change.

Psychologists - Q: How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to change the bulb, and two to hold the penis. Erm, the ladder!

A: One
Q: How many Psychics does it take to change a lightbulb?

PMS sufferers - Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three.
Q: Why?
A: BECAUSE IT JUST DOES -- OKAY?

Punk Rockers - Q: How many punk rockers does it take to change a lightbulb?

• Eleven. One to screw it in and ten on the guest-list.
• Twenty. One to change it and nineteen to call him a sell-out for doing so.
• "Do you THINK I need any help, you fucking..[long list of expletives here]..!?"
• Two, one to screw in the lightbulb, and one to say how punk rock the other is for doing so.

Sado-masochists - Q: How many sado-masochists does it take to change a lightbulb?

• Two. One to hold it and one to kick the chair out from under him.

Saxophonists -How many saxophonists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

• Two: one to screw the lightbulb in, the other to decide whether the bulb is in exactly the correct position for correct lighting.

Slashdotters - Ask Slashdot: How many Programmers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

• FIRST POST!
• Does the lightbulb run Linux?
• Pfeh! You expect a Slashdotter to have had sex?

Slashdot Trolls - Q: How many Slashdot trolls does it take to change a lightbulb?

• IN SOVIET RUSSIA, THE LIGHTBULB CHANGES YOU!!
• In Korea, only old people change lightbulbs.
• One... in Japan
• One, but the troll's on fire.
• Is the lightbulb digitally signed?
• I, for one, welcome our new lightbulb-changing overlords
• Imagine if the Chinese army had lightbulbs. Then they could screw them into Tibetan nuns (http://www.phrusa.org/research/torture/tortib.html).
• I haven't got electricity, you INSENSITIVE CLOD!
• A Beowulf cluster.
• Just me, if it's in Natalie Portman's house.

Social workers - Q: How many Social workers does it take to change a lightbulb?

• They're not qualified to change it, but they have a pamphlet on "Coping with Darkness"

Software engineers - Q: How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?

• Just one. But the house falls down.
• None. It's a hardware problem!

Sorority girls - Q: How many sorority girls does it take to change a light bulb?

• A: Two. One to call daddy, and one to make a tshirt about the event.

Sousaphone players - Q: How many sousaphone players does it take to change a light bulb?

• A: As many as you want, but you have to convince one of them to hold the lightbulb while the rest drink until the room spins.

Statisticians - Q: How many statisticians does it take to change a lightbulb?

• A: 1-3; a = 0.05

Stoners - Q: How many stoners does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Woah dude, so that's where the light comes from!

Straight male San Franciscans - Q: How many straight male San Franciscans does it take to change a lightbulb?

• Both of them.

Tabloid Editors - Q:How many tabloid editors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: A VAST AND TEEMING HORDE STRETCHING FROM SEA TO SHINING SEA!!!!

Teamsters - Q:How many teamsters does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Ten. Yeah, ten! It's in the contract. You got a problem with that?

Therapists - Q: How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb?

• Only one, but the lightbulb has to really want to change.
• How many do you think it takes?

Tory leaders - Q. How many Tory leaders does it take to change a light bulb? A. Trick question: light bulbs last longer.

Trumpet players - Q: How many first trumpet players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Six, one to change it and the other five to go on about how much better they would have done it.
A: Two: one to hold it in the socket, the other to play in the high register until the room spins.

Q: How many second trumpet players does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: None, we don't go up that high.

Unimaginative people - Q: How many unimaginative people does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One.

Vegans - Q: How many vegans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to screw in the light bulb, one to check the ingredient list on the packaging.

Viagra users - How many doses of Viagra does it take to change a light bulb?

• One little tablet, and it's a whole new bulb.

Vietnam Veterans - Q: How many Vietnam veterans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: YOU DON'T KNOW! YOU WEREN'T THERE, MAN!!! YOU'LL NEVER KNOW!!!!!

Violinists - How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb?

• None. They don't go that high.
• What? I can't hear you!

-How many first violinists does it take?

• Just one, but you have to pay her at least $300 or she won't do it.

White House Interns - Q. How many White House interns does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. None, they are too busy screwing the President.

Xerox PARC researchers - Q: How many Xerox PARC researchers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: What lightbulb? They invented the lightbulb years before anyone else, but then discarded it because they didn't think anyone would be interested.

Trekker variations

These variants use the fictional alien races of Star Trek. At times, "lightbulb" is replaced by "transtator tube" for flavor.

Vulcans - Q: How many Vulcans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A1: Two, but it has to be a very large lightbulb and they can only do it once every seven years.
A2: Just one, and he fails to see any humor in the situation.
A3: Approximately 1.00000000000000000....

Klingons - Q: How many Klingons does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two: one to change the lightbulb and one to kill the other and take all the credit.
A: None. There is no honour in changing a lightbulb, besides, a true warrior isn't afraid of the dark.

Borg - Q: How many Borg does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: Changing lightbulbs is futile. Resistance is voltage divided by current.
A2: None. They just self-destruct the malfunctioning equipment.
A3: All of them.

Bajorans - Q: How many Bajorans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two: One to change the lightbulb, and one to request a vision from the prophets in order to thank them.

Betazoids - A: One
Q: How many Betazoids does it take to change a lightbulb?

Ferengi - Q: How many Ferengi does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two: One to screw the new one in, and one to sell the broken one to an unsuspecting customer.

Romulan - Q: How many Romulans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Four hundred: One to change the bulb, and three hundred ninety-nine to blow up the ship out of shame.
A (TOS): Just one, but he has to steal the technology from the Klingons.

The Original Series - Q: How many members of the USS Enterprise does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Seven: Scotty will report to Captain Kirk that the lightbulb in the Engineering Section is burnt out, to which Kirk will send Bones to pronounce the bulb dead. Scotty, after checking around, notices that they have no more new lightbulbs, and complains that he can't see in the dark to tend to his engines. Kirk must make an emergency stop at the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a lightbulb from the natives. Kirk, Spock, Bones, Sulu, and 3 red shirt security officers beam down. The 3 security officers are promptly killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured. Meanwhile, back in orbit, Scotty notices a Klingon ship approaching and must warp out of orbit to escape detection. While Kirk has a steamy romance with the princess, Bones cures the native king who is suffering from the flu, and as a reward the landing party is set free and given all of the light bulbs they can carry. Scotty cripples the Klingon ship and warps back to the planet just in time to beam up Kirk, et al. The new bulb is inserted, and the Enterprise continues with its five year mission.

Programming language variations

Even though most programmers contend that this is a hardware problem, there have nevertheless been speculations over the amount of lightbulb changers that would be required coming from a background in a certain programming language, and how they would go about it.

APL - Q: How many APL programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?

• Thirteen. One to change the bulb and twelve to figure out how the new bulb works in the first place.

Assembly language - How many assembly language programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?

• One, but he'll have to figure out the laws of physics first, then arrange the molecules in proper order to create a new bulb.

C++ - How many C++ programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?

• None. You are thinking procedurally; we simply send the light bulb a change message.
• As many as are required to express the different views on programming. Additional lightbulbs may get smashed to accommodate them all.
• Three: One to write the LightbulbSocket class, one to write the Lightbulb class, and one to write the LightbulbSocket.Insert(Lightbulb&) member.

COBOL - How many COBOL programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?

• None. We have plenty of candles here in 1900, so implementation can wait until we find some more quill pens and complete our Y2K bug repairs.
• One. He will, however, replace your light switch by a huge lever that takes three men to operate and comes with a sign that says "PULL LEVER BACKWARD GIVING LIGHT -- PUSH LEVER FORWARD GIVING DARKNESS".

FORTH - How many FORTH programmers?

• One, but s/he does so backwards and in Polish.

FORTRAN - How many FORTRAN programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?

• Lightbulbs are for wimps. The FORTRAN programmer puts up some landing lights from an abandoned military airfield. He is surprised when you voice complaints -- wasn't giving off light the primary function?

Interpreted BASIC How many BASIC programmers to change a light bulb?

• One, but it will take 1000 hours for the interpreter to complete this complex task, just like it says on the bulb.

Java - How many Java programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?

• One, but he'll have to install what he calls a "Lightbulb Virtual Machine" that takes up half the basement. The bulb itself will be twice as big as a normal bulb, but you can control it from anywhere in the house.

Pascal - How many Pascal programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?

• One, but he only knows how to make the bulb. You'll have to get a fitting socket somewhere else.

Prolog - How many Prolog programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?

• no.

Visual Basic - How many Visual Basic programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?

• They don't know how. They have C++ programmers to change their lightbulbs. They make wonderfully decorated light switches, though.

Smalltalk - How many Smalltalk programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?

• Three: one to implement the method, one to send the message, and one to restore the corrupted image.

Matlab - How many Matlab programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

• One - Matlab can do anything. Just specify the problem clearly in an Excel spreadsheet (Matlab can read and extract data from Excel). Next you have two basic choices: the inorganic solution, or the organic solution. If you choose the inorganic option Matlab has excellent programming toolboxes for the development of imaging and servo control software, and B-spline functions for design specification. If you choose the organic solution Matlab supports tools for Bioinformatics, functional magnetic resonance brain imaging and neural network modeling. Once you have completed the design and construction of your device / life form, simply instruct it to change the bulb. However, if you are presently unsure about which option to choose, Matlab has excellent tools for mathematical modeling, symbolic processing and stochastic simulation. If you need further help you may visit the Matlab website where you can browse software developed by users just like you. Moreover, if you experience technical difficulties do not hesitate to contact their helpful support personnel.

Too-odd-to-categorize variations

Anticlimaxes - Q: How many anticlimaxes does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I don't know... about four.

BeyondUnreal (http://www.beyondunreal.com) Forumers - Q: How many BeyondUnreal Forumers does it take to change a lightbulb?

• A1: 51,one to change the lightbulb and 50 to go in a politic flame war.
• A2: Two, one to change the lightbulb and another one to advertise the new lightbulb forums.
• A3: Four, one to change the lightbulb and the the rest to say who is the best: Malcom, Gorge or Xan.

Dragon Ball Z - Q: How many Dragonball Z characters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

• A1: One, but it takes him ten episodes to do it.
• A2: One, but not Goku, he will break it if he touches it.

Gorillas - Q: How many gorillas does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Only one, but you'll need hell of a lot of lightbulbs.

Known Space - Q: How many Jinxians does it take to paint a skyscraper?
A: Two: One to hold the paint sprayer, and one to move the skyscraper.

In the Known Space universe of Larry Niven's science-fiction stories, Jinx is the largest human-inhabited planet. Jinxians are therefore physically strong due to living under high gravity, and tend to move slowly. This has led to the stereotype elsewhere of Jinxians as being mentally as well as physically ponderous.

Meta-Humor Q: How many Polish people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to hold the ladder, and the other to turn the light bulb in a clockwise fashion until it is secured in the socket.

Mice - Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Only two, but nobody knows how they got in there...
A: Two, if their genes have been spliced . . . they'll just keep trying every night.

Newfies - Q: How many Newfies does it take to get a job?
A: One out of every seven.

Nuclear Accident Survivors - Q: How many survivors of nuclear accidents does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None, people who glow in the dark don't need lightbulbs.

Postmodernists - Q: How many lightbulbs does it take to change a postmodernists?

Postmodernists - Q: How many postmodernists does it take to change a lightbulb?

• A1: In a Derridaist reading, wherein light is a social construct, there is a dialectic between Darkness as a reality and reality as a mode.
• A2: One but the lightbulb must be upside down the plug.

Quanta - Q: How many quanta does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Exactly One

Rap - Q: How many rappers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Not many, if any! Not many, if any! Uh uh, uh uh, I don't know anybody.

Refer to this article as to why these lines were used.

Sagans - Q: How many Carl Sagans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Billions and billions.

Schrödinger's cats - Q: How many of Schrödinger's cats does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One and none, simultaneously.

Self-reference - Q: How many lightbulbs does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, if it knows its own Gödel number. (See Gödel's incompleteness theorem)

Youngman's Theorem - "There exists X such that the answer to the question 'How many members of the group X does it take to change a lightbulb' is 'One, but the member in question may need to stand on a chair or something.'"

See the Lore Fitzgerald Sjoberg devised Lightbulb Exemption List (http://www.brunching.com/lightbulb.html)

Your mom - Q: How many moms does it take to change a lightbulb?

• A1: Just one: yours.
• A2: (For guys) One, and that's yours, provided she's screwing in YOUR lightbulb!

Long lightbulb jokes

Lawyers

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Such number as may be deemed to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement:

Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "The Lawyer", and the party of the second part, also known as "The lightbulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (lightbulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entry way, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (lightbulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties.

The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:

1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (lightbulb) and rotate the party of the second part (lightbulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, said direction being non- negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part (lightbulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (Lawyer) with every possible caution by the party of the first part (Lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (lightbulb), notwithstanding the afore- mentioned failure of the party of the second part (lightbulb) to perform the aforementioned customary and agreed upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part (lightbulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as this agreement is concerned so long as the non-negotiable directional codicil (counter-clockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (Lawyer) throughout.

2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (lightbulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (lightbulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.

3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New lightbulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self- same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non- negotiable. NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by said party of the first part (Lawyer), by his heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him to do so, the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (north) door consistent with maximization of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "The Firm".

Usenet subscribers

Q: How many Usenet subscribers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 1,331

• 1 to change the lightbulb
• 14 to share similar experiences of changing lightbulbs and how the lightbulb could have been changed differently.
• 7 to caution about the dangers of changing lightbulbs.
• 27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing lightbulbs.
• 53 to flame the spell checkers
• 156 to write to the list administrator complaining about the lightbulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list.
• 41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.
• 109 to post that this list is not about lightbulbs and to please take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb
• 203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing lightbulbs be stopped.
• 111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all use lightbulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this mail list.
• 306 to debate which method of changing lightbulbs is superior, where to buy the best lightbulbs, what brand of lightbulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.
• 27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different lightbulbs
• 14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs.
• 3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this list which makes lightbulbs relevant to this list.
• 33 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers, and then add "Me Too."
• 12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the lightbulb controversy.
• 19 to quote the "Me Too's" to say, "Me Three."
• 4 to suggest that posters request the lightbulb FAQ.
• 1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup.
• 47 to say this is just what alt.physics.cold_fusion was meant for, leave it here.
• 143 votes for alt.lite.bulb.

Debian developers

Q: How many Debian Maintainers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 993:
(ported to Debian by Florian Weps [1] (http://lists.debian.org/debian-curiosa/2002/debian-curiosa-200208/msg00001.html))

• 23 to complain to -devel about the lights being out;
• 4 to claim that it is a configuration problem, and that such matters really belong on -user;
• 3 to submit bugs about it, one of which has priority "grave" and consists only of "it's dark";
• 1 to do an untested NMU which breaks unstable, then ask around on #debian how to remove it five minutes later;
• 8 to flame the bugs report submitters for not including patches in their bugs reports;
• 5 to complain about unstable being broken;
• 31 to answer that it works for them, and they must have apt-get upgraded at a bad time;
• 1 to post a patch for a new lightbulb to -project;
• 1 to complain that he had patches for this three years ago, but when he sent them to -devel they were just ignored, and he has had bad experiences with the BTS; besides, the proposed new lightbulb is non-reflexive;
• 73 to scream that lightbulbs do not belong in the base system, that maintainers have no right to do things like this without prior discussion, and WHAT IS THE RM DOING ABOUT IT!?
• 200 to complain about the length of the release cycle;
• 3 to point out that the patch violates policy;
• 17 to complain that the proposed new lightbulb is not under GPL;
• 353 to engage in a flame war about the comparative advantages of the GPL, the BSD license, the MIT license, the NPL, and the personal hygiene of unnamed FSF founders;
• 7 to move various portions of the thread to -legal and -hurd;
• 1 to upload the suggested lightbulb, even though it shines dimmer than the old one;
• 2 to file a furious flame of a bugs report, arguing that testing is better off in the dark than with a dim lightbulb;
• 46 to argue vociferously about the bugs report about the dim lightbulb and demanding a statement from ftpmaster;
• 11 to request a smaller lightbulb so it will fit their Tamagotchi if we ever decide to port Debian to that platform;
• 73 to complain about the SNR on -devel and -qa and unsubscribe in protest;
• 13 to post "unsubscribe", "How do I unsubscribe?", or "Please remove me from the list", followed by the usual footer;
• 1 to upload a working lightbulb while everybody is too busy flaming everybody else to notice;
• 31 to point out that the new lightbulb would shine 0.364% brighter if compiled with processor-specific optimizations (although it will have to be reshaped into a cube), and that Debian should therefore adapt the gentoo "portage" system into dpkg;
• 1 to complain that the new lightbulb lacks fairings;
• 9 (including the bugs submitters) to ask "what is testing-proposed-updates";
• 75 to complain about the lights being out two weeks after the bulb has been changed.

and for a total count of 996:

• 1 to report whole story in -curiosa
• 2 to comment on it

Digital Equipment Corporation Employees

Q: How many DEC employees does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 94

• 2 People - Preliminary discussion on concept of change.
• 1 Person - Devise and write formal bulb architecture.
• 2 People - Feasibility study and timetable of events.
• 2 People - Produce four utilities to reduce screw-in time (in addition to the electric utility).
• 1 Person - Maintain ISO and DEC standards (sockets, voltage, AC/DC).
• 4 People - Commonality task force on bulb change.
• 15 People - Bulb development team.
• 5 People - Perform bulb functional test.
• 2 People - Perform bulb load test.
• 3 People - Perform bulb regression test.
• 1 Person - Perform bulb performance analysis.
• 1 Person - Perform bulb bottleneck analysis.
• 1 Person - Follow-up study (bulb merge feasibility).
• 1 Person - Interface with utilities commission.
• 1 Person - Interface with users. Did they want incandescent when we only supply non-tunable fluorescent point product? BAX (Bulbs Are eXpensive)!
• 5 People - Perform BOSE (Build Other Socket Enhancements) compatibility architecture/study.
• 3 People - Perform VIA (Voltage Increases Amps) phase 2 compatibility architecture/study.
• 2 People - Ensure form (round, square, clear/frosted) follows function (wattage, 120/240 volts, visible/ultra-violet, flashing, flood/spot).
• 3 People - Implement temporary alternative bulb socket for already existing, successful, and profitable socket (bulb-in-one).
• 5 People - Determine how to market/package/distribute temporary alternative bulb socket.
• 10 People - Determine how to perform bulb change product split (Control: switches, dimmers; versus implementation: screw-in torque, recovery strategies).
• 1 Person - Interface with utilities commission QA group.
• 1 Person - Submit to BDC (Bulb Distribution Center).
• 1 Person - Set up BPR (Bulb Problem Reports) system.
• 10 People - Answer customer BPRs.
• 11 People - Football team to challenge bulb changers.

Other

A parody of the Lightbulb Joke is alluded to in Sourcery, part of the fictional Discworld series by Terry Pratchett. Due to the less advanced technology on this world, a reference is made to a series of Lamp-Wick jokes, although no actual jokes are quoted in full. "...for example, do you know how many trolls it takes to change a lamp-wick?"

See also

• Lightbulb joke (university)
• Internet humor
• WikiBooks Jokebook (http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/Jokebook:Lightbulb)

External Links

• Peter Anspach's Star Trek Parody Pages (http://www.eviloverlord.com/parodies/) - contains scripts for Star Trek Episodes of every flavour, each revolving solely around the business of changing a light bulb.de:Glühbirnen-Witz