Diogenes Small
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Diogenes Small (1797-1812), is a fictional character by British crime author Colin Dexter and the supposed author of numerous historical and other works.
One of the distinctive features of Dexter's Inspector Morse novels is the use of quotations as chapter headings, which began in the second novel in the series, Last Seen Wearing (1976), and then in every novel from the fourth, Service of all the Dead (1979) onwards. However, it was not always possible to find suitable quotations for every chapter, so many are simply invented by Dexter and attributed to non-existent sources, the most common of which was Diogenes Small. Over twenty years, Dexter created a lengthy bibliography for the fictional author, including Small's Enlarged Dictionary which apparently ran to at least 17 editions within Small's tragically short lifespan.
From time to time, these supposed quotations have appeared elsewhere, such as in newspapers with a "thought for the day" or "humourous quotes" feature, possibly because the contributors admired Dexter's conceit, or simply because they failed to recognise that the attributions are false.
Selected quotations attributed to Diogenes Small
"Almost all modern architecture is farce."
- Small's Reflections, cited in Dexter's The Jewel that was Ours
"For coping with even one quarter of that running course known as 'Marathon' -- for coping without frequent halts for refreshment or periodic bouts of vomiting -- a man has to dedicate one half of his youthful years to quite intolerable training and endurance. Such dedication is not for me."
- The Joys of Occasional Idleness, cited in The Remorseful Day
"Be it ever so humble there's no place like home for sending one slowly crackers."
- Obiter Dicta, cited in The Way through the Woods
"Prosnopagnoia (n.): the failure of any person to recognize the face of any other person, howsoever recently the aforementioned persons may have mingled in each other's company."
- Small's Enlarged Dictionary, 13th Edition (1806), cited in Death is now my Neighbour
"Thursday is a bad day. Wednesday is quite a good day. Friday is an even better one. But Thursday, whatever the reason, is a day on which my spirit and my resolution, are at their lowest ebb. Yet even worse is any day of the week upon which, after a period of blessed idleness, I come face to face with the prospect of a premature return to my labours."
- Autobiography, cited in The Daughters of Cain
And, most tellingly:
"Yet always it is those fictional addenda which will effect the true alchemy."
- Reflections on Inspiration and Creativity, cited in The Inside Story (short story from the collection Morse's Greatest Mystery).
Another invented character Dexter used for the same purpose was Viscount Mumbles.