We can rule you wholesale
|
|
We Can Rule You Wholesale is the national anthem of the fictional city state of Ankh-Morpork in the Discworld series of fantasy novels by Terry Pratchett.
It was not written by a native Ankh-Morporkian, but by the visiting vampire Count Henrik Shline von Überwald (born 1703, died 1782, also died 1784, 1788, 1791, 1802, 1804, 1807, 1808, 1821, 1830, 1861, finally staked 1872). His inspiration came from his observations that Ankh-Morpork's chief means of defence was not warfare but corruption, bribery and mercantile tactics, since most of the weapons used against the city were actually made there in the first place.
The anthem is particularly noteworthy for being the only one that has a second verse officially consisting of incoherent muttering. Count von Überwald had also observed that any group of people singing their country's national anthem never remembers how the second verse goes anyway, so he decided to make things easier for Ankh-Morpork. The anthem's sentiments are of course summarised in the new Pax Morporkia: "If you fight, we'll call in your mortgages. And incidentally that's my pike you're pointing at me. I paid for that shield you're holding. And take my helmet off when you speak to me, you horrible little debtor."
In formal occasions, the anthem is supposed to be performed by a large soprano singer wearing a sheet and holding a torch in one hand and a fork in the other.
The lyrics of the anthem are as follows:
"When dragons belch and hippos flee
My thoughts, Ankh-Morpork, are of thee
Let others boast of martial dash
For we have boldly fought with cash
We own all your helmets, we own all your shoes
We own all your generals - touch us and you'll lose.
Morporkia! Morporkia!
Morporkia owns the day!
We can rule you wholesale
Touch us and you'll pay.
We bankrupt all invaders, we sell them souvenirs
We ner ner ner ner ner, hner ner hner by the ears
Er hner we ner ner ner ner ner
Ner ner her ner ner ner hner the ner
Er ner ner hner ner, nher hner ner ner (etc.)
Ner hner ner, your gleaming swords
We mortgaged to the hilt
Morporkia! Morporkia!
Hner ner ner ner ner ner
We can rule you wholesale
Credit where it's due."
The final part of the anthem is usually sung much louder than the rest of the second verse, since the singers want to show they know the words . . .
The anthem was actually written in 1999 by Pratchett (words) and Carl Davis (music), for the BBC Radio 3 programmme The Music Machine. It was performed by the BBC Scottish Symphony Orchestra and the soprano was Clare Rutter. It was also performed at that year's Proms by the Prommers' Orchestra and Chorus.