The Twelfth Man
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The Twelfth Man is the name for a series of comedy productions by Australian satirist Billy Birmingham. Birmingham, a skilled impersonator, is generally known for parodying Australian sports commentators' voices. As befits the name (a reference to the non-playing reserve in a cricket side), Birmingham particularly focuses on cricket commentators such as Richie Benaud, Bill Lawry and Tony Greig. This is also due to the fact that many of Australia's cricket commentators have distinctive and easily-identifiable voices and accents.
The parodies, released periodically on CD, are designed as a look "behind the scenes" of Channel 9's cricket commentary. Birmingham traditionally plays all the roles with the exception of minor female characters, such as Richie Benaud's wife. Benaud himself is known to have a low opinion of the recordings, due predominantly to Birmingham's use of explicit language.
A highlight of the recordings is the cricket commentary itself, generally featuring wildly improbable match results - teams scoring 600 runs in a one-day international match, for example. Birmingham is noted for his creation of humorous names for players of other countries, particularly Sri Lanka and Pakistan. Some are designed as thinly-veiled references to the players themselves, such as the Pakistani bowlers "Wasee A-Crim" (Was He A Crim, a reference to Wasim Akram during the match-fixing controversy), "Hafeez Andmissin" (Half His Hand Missing, a parody of Azeem Hafeez who was born without two fingers on his right hand) and "Ahkeep Myteefina Jahbesidabed" (I Keep My Teeth In A Jar Beside The Bed, a reference to Aaqib Javed) and their captain "Ahbroke Meandad" (I Broke My Hand Dad, a reference to Javed Miandad) and the Sri Lankan batsman "Ramatunga Downathroata" (a reference to former Sri Lankan captain Arjuna Ranatunga). Others simply parody the general sound of Urdu or Sinhalese names.
The commentators (and their respective characters) in Twelfth Man recordings include:
- Richie Benaud - the almost tyrannical Commentary Team Captain, with a penchant for "Cream, bone, ivory, white, off-white or beige" jackets and order within his team
- Tony Greig - a balding South African-accented (so heavily that he borders on incomprehensible at times) commentator
- Bill Lawry - Tony's nemesis, a man with an unusually large nose (as a result of a childhood bout with "proboscitis") and an abiding and one-eyed love of the state of Victoria, leg-spinner Shane Warne and Australia (which he pronounces "Straya")
- Ian Chappell - a very laid-back man who is incapable of saying a sentence without the word "um" or "ah"
- Simon O'Donnell - a deep-voiced commentator with a similar problem to that of Chappell
- Mark Taylor - a younger commentator who speaks very rapidly and uses a lot of jargon
Other commentators who have made appearances include:
- Max Walker - the drawling former television personality who begins almost every sentence with "Yeeees" and whom nobody wants as a commentator (later changes his name legally to "Mike Walker")
- Hansie Cronje - the disgraced former South African captain who speaks in a deep Afrikaner accent and constantly tries to have the others bet against him
- Ray Warren - a rugby league and swimming commentator who makes a guest appearance calling a cricket match and gets very worked up about it, comparing the cricketers to Ian Thorpe and Grant Hackett (a reference to Warren's famous call of "THORPE, HACKETT, HACKETT AND THORPE, THERE'S NOTHING BETWEEN THEM!")
The increasing number of new camera angles and indicators of conditions in televised cricket is also parodied, with Greig's pitch reports often talking about "Crack Cam" (a camera physically placed within a crack in the pitch) and the "Scrotometer" (a microphone, temperature and sweat gauge attached to the scrotum of the batsman).
There are also a number of running jokes in the series, often referenced in lines delivered by one or more characters. Many of these have become cult lines among fans of the series. Lawry, for example, often argues with Greig during their commentary and punctuates wickets with the line "He's gone! Yes! Got him! Fuck off Tony Greig!" (a reference to Lawry's real-life line "Got him! Yes! Gone!"). Greig, on the other hand, is well-known for his comment (in both recordings and real life) that a ball has been hit "right off the meat of the bat". In one recording, Benaud informs him that this statement is becoming a stereotype, giving rise to alternative versions such as "Right off the meat...spot...that's the middle of the sweet spot" and "Right off the mmmmiddle of the bat - I didn't say 'meat'" Max Walker's line of "Yes, welcome back welcome back" has also achieved considerable fame.
"Bruce 2000 - A special tribute" is another work, parodying Bruce McAvaney with an Olympic theme, with the usual name-punning "The two (Chinese) swimmers, We Doe-ping, and Yae We-won" in good supply.