Non-violent child discipline
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There are many effective non-violent methods of child discipline available to parents when discipline is necessary. While they are mainly advocated by many experts in child development and by opponents of spanking or other forms of corporal punishment of children, they are also often utilized by parents who spank as well. These alternatives to spanking are not complicated, but they do require parents to be willing and able to give more time and thought to discipline, to exercise self-control, to be considerably imaginative, and to be quick-thinking.
No single one of these methods is considered perfect on its own for exclusive use. Rather, it is recommended that a variety of them are to be used, as continuous use of only a few methods of discipline is considered far less effective.
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Time-outs
One is the use of time-outs. Such restraints must be relevant to both the matter and the age of the child. They may include such ideas as quiet time sitting in a chair or a room, with nothing to do other than to reflect, or possibly loss of privileges. Time-outs must be carefully chosen so that the child is not overwhelmed and, very importantly, so that she can visualize an end to the punishment.
Hugging
Another form of disciplinary restraint is hugging. Hugging is useful for children not yet capable of reasoning or those in, for example, the so-called "terrible twos." This is used mainly when the child is involved in persistent negative behavior or in destructive behavior. The child is picked up and hugged in such a way that it does not hurt the child but that it stops the behavior. As the child begins to quiet, he is rocked, sang to, or spoken to in soft, calming tones. He is then removed from the room and given an activity that distracts him from his previous concern. This is a form of distraction.
Distraction
Distraction is a method of stopping young children from continuing a problem behaviour. For example, if the parent sees the young child involved in an unacceptable behavior, the parent suggest to the child a more interesting alternative, such as reading a book together, a dance around the room, sitting together in the rocker, singing songs, etc. This is followed by continuing to play with the child until her unacceptable behavior is forgotten, then take her from the area for other activities, in order to assure that she will not return to it.
Reason
Children will come to the age, often far earlier than is commonly expected, when reasoning is a very effective discipline tool. At this time, the child may be told, for example, "If you play with the glass apple, your hands are small, and it could fall. It would break and cut you, and we'll have to throw it away." These times are often followed by such activities as sitting on the floor, placing the apple on the carpet, and letting the child caress it for a short time, then putting it away. This not only satisfies the child's natural, healthy curiosity and opens up the possibility for communication, but it also gives the child one-on-one time with the parent.
Consequences
Often, when a child misbehaves, there are natural consequences. Advocates of the "consequential" approach state that these consequences should be their discipline, and that in this way the lesson will be remembered far longer than will punishment. Similarly, they believe that logical consequences for misbehavior are also effective. For example, if a child uses the car without permission, a logical consequence would be that the car is off-limits for a period of time which includes an instance when the child is greatly inconvenienced.
Modeling
Advocates of non-violent discipline state that modeling is an extremely effective disciplinary tool, but it also places the greatest demands upon the parent. The parent must consistently show the child what kind of life is expected of him by not doing anything that the parent will not allow the child to do. Showing the child appropriate behavior will teach the child far faster and far more deeply than will disciplinary action for misbehavior. Modeling is worthy of the efforts of every parent and shows the child by example that the parent is willing to "walk the walk" as well as "talk the talk."
At the same time, it is understood that obsession with portraying parental perfection to the child can be very detrimental to the child. When the parent errs, rather than covering up the error, advocates strongly suggest admitting the error, talking about it, and openly living through its consequences. The combination of a dedicated, sincere, consistent effort on the part of the parent to model appropriate behavior with the ability to admit errors and apologize creates reciprocal respect for the parent and prevents resentment based on hypocrisy and double standards, say modeling proponents.
Praise and rewards
Praise and rewards (hugs, time with the child, etc.) for good behavior similarly goes much further as discipline than does punishment, while nagging and shaming tear down both trust and respect for the parent. Giving the child your time is a discipline tool that will also keep her on track, as will consistent family time, laughter, listening, and genuine respect for her, her person, her ideas, and her talents. Advocates of praise and rewards strongly resist giving food or sweets as rewards.
Consistency
Most proponents of non-violent child discipline state that of all disciplinary tools, the greatest is consistency. They believe that if a repeated behavior needs attention, the parent should ask themselves why the child is acting out and seek a remedy. They believe that parents should choose their battles with their children, then stick with them.
Final Thoughts
- Non-violent parenting advocates strongly protest the idea, often raised by those who are against exclusive use of non-violent methods, that they are proponents of no discipline. Rather, they consider non-violent discipline not only more time-consuming and far more interactive with the child but also more effective. Further, they protest that the methods will not work as well for the overworked, busy, lazy, uninvolved, selfish, or uncommitted parent.
- If parents make a mistake, they should be open about it and be ready to discuss it with the child as well as apologize to the child.
- Non-violent parenting is considered a means of discipline intended not to produce a perfect child: rather, it is used in order to rear a good, productive, independent adult.
See also
- The child rearing philosophy known as Taking Children Seriously sees even non-violent modification of the child's behaviour as unethical and harmful.
External links
- Positive Parenting Program (http://www.triplep.net/) an initiative of the Parenting and Family Support Centre at The University of Queensland