Baseketball
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Baseketball.jpg
BASEketball is a 1998 David Zucker comedy starring the creators of South Park, Trey Parker and Matt Stone, and Dian Bachar. The movie follows the history of the imaginary sport of the same name, from its invention by the lead characters as a game they could win against more athletic types, to its development as a nationwide league sport and a target of corporate sponsorship.
In the film, baseketball is a mix of baseball and basketball played by two teams of three players each. Meant as a game suitable for people of all ages and abilities, it is played on a relatively small diamond-shaped court with a basketball hoop at the second base position. The ball is roughly basketball sized, smooth, and sewn like a baseball. Players wear little or no protective gear. Referees travel the court on roller blades.
The rules of the game are not made entirely clear, as it is merely a plot vehicle and not an actual game. For the purposes of the movie, an "at bat" player stands at home plate holding the ball, preparing to shoot at the basket above second base. An opposing player stands at roughly the pitching mound position, where that player has one attempt to psych out the shooting player. A "psych out" is a verbal or visual trick meant to disturb the shooter enough to lose their concentration and miss the shot. If the shooter makes the basket, he then runs the bases, and points are scored.
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The rules of Baseketball
The layout of the field
For the pitcher's mound you have a basketball hoop. There are four bases, as there are in baseball, but the distances between them are shortened, as there is no pitcher. There are nine squares radiating from the hoop: three single squares (small, yellow), three double squares (medium, red), and three triple squares (large, blue wedges). Instead of hitting a ball to right field, you shoot from the single, double, or triple square on the left side of the infield. Instead of hitting a ball to left field, you shoot from the single, double, or triple square on the right side of the infield. Instead of hitting a ball right down the middle, you shoot from the single, double, or triple square along the middle. There's the home run circle, with home base at its center. Instead of hitting a home run, you shoot a home run from there. There are two orange circular steps, one on each side of the garage door. These are used for short shots, aka bunts. Each side has a dugout instead of a bench. The roots of the game are remembered in the garage façade supporting the basket and in the sidewalks next to the dugouts. But other teams can substitute other buildings for the garage. The San Antonio Defenders, for example, have the Alamo as their façade.
Shooting
The square you shoot and score from determines what kind of hit you're going for. Ex. A shot from one of the three double squares indicates a double. Any players ahead of you also move two bases. If you fail to hit the basket or the backboard, you're out. If you hit the backboard or the basket, the opposing team gets to rebound and try to shoot a basket for a double play. If they succeed, you'll be out, and so will the player closest to home plate. You get a second shot - a conversion - at the ball if you miss and the opposing team misses the next two shots when it tries a double play against you. If you make that shot, the original shot attempt holds - if you were shooting for the home run in your first shot, but score in the conversion, you get the home run shot. If you miss, you're out. You shoot for the cycle. If you start with a single, you can't shoot a single again until you've attempted the double, triple, and home run first, in that order. It's a rare inning that allows your team enough chances for you to have a second shot at a triple. Scoring depends on how many men cross home plate (runs shot in), not how many shots you successfully score (hits). If you want to bunt, you shoot from one of the orange steps. The bunt advances the runners already on base, but give the shooter an out. No psych-outs are used there. In the event the bases fill up, the first shooter, now on third base, can call upon one of the other players in the dugout to take his spot on third as he returns to home plate to shoot the fourth shot. This way, you have four players on offense, but only three shooting.
Defending
Defending is similar to that in basketball, but you have greater liberty in how you defend against the shooter. The three defenders are present at all times. There's no tagging out of players. There are no triple plays. You can force a shooter out by psyching him out. This means you can do just about anything, use just about anything, to make the shooter miss. Anything from a simple line to an elaborate setup involving dwarves and spinning plates to grotesque faces coupled with beastly sounds. You can even mimic a player in a mocking way in order to get him out. Double-teams are permitted. If the umpires deem a psych-out in bad taste and the shooter misses, the shooter gets his shot (like a walk in baseball).
Officiating
The umpires make sure the rules are being followed and put potholders on squares that have been used in shooting, to prevent shooting from that square again until a cycle is completed. Once the home run shot is taken, the potholders are removed from the squares the shooter used, or removed from all squares when the third out is called.
Length of play
The teams take turns like they do in baseball - visitors first, home team second. There are nine innings, like in baseball, and a seventh inning stretch. Since all the games are indoors, no games are ever called on account of rain. The seventh inning stretch also serves as hafltime, so there's halftime entertainment at this time. Overtime follows if there's a tie at the end of nine.
Length of season
There's no telling how many years a baseketball season can last. The playoffs themselves can go for nine months. By comparison, a basketball season lasts for seven months, the playoffs for two months. A baseball season lasts for six months, the playoffs for one month. The baseketball season, if calculated from the two seasons just mentioned, can last from 32 months (2 years, 8 months) to 54 months (4 and a half years). This means a new cup every four or five years. By comparison, soccer has a new world cup every four years. There's no way baseketball can have a nine-month playoff season and still have a cup every year. The cup is always called the "Denslow Cup."
Loyalty
No players are traded, no teams can move to new cities. Once a team is created, it stays put until it decides to close. Its bosses can change, though.
List of psyche outs
Various 'psych-outs' are employed as part of gameplay. They are, in order of performance:
- Coop takes a sip of beer. His opponent shoots, and in the act of shooting Coop spits out his beer at him. The man misses the shot.
- Remer says to Ted "Fucked your sister", the ball bounces off the rim.
- Remer faces Ted's teammate with a quarter-watermelon wedge. The man shoots, and Remer responds with a spit of watermelon juice to the man's eye. The teammate misses the shot.
- Coop stands behind Ted, and Remer takes a photo of the two with a Polaroid camera. The flash blinds Ted, and he misses the shot.
- Coop gives Remer the Polaroid picture he has just taken of Coop, Remer looks at it, pulls a hair from his teeth as Ted's teammate takes a shot. Remer says "Aw, one of Brittany's mom's pubic hairs!" The teammate looses the shot.
- As his opponent shoots, Coop says "Yo Tyler. I hear your sister's going out with Squeak!" Tyler replies "What?", stumbles, exclaims "Ugh!" and the ball misses the basket.
- Coop Yells "Yo Pierce. I hear your mom is going out with Squeak!" Pierce is distracted and shoots the ball. It hits Squeak and bounces away.
- Jansen says "Hey Coop!" Coop holds up his left index finger and says "Be right with you, hero." Jansen looks away, then looks back, but the ball has left Coop's hands. The ball goes through the hoop.
- Jansen weakly waves his arms before Squeak "Hey Squeak, miss it! Miss it!" Squeak shoots and scores easily.
- Jansen, not even trying to motion except to point something out says "Hey Remer! You better make sure your toe isn't over the line!" Remer replies "Hey Jansen! Nice [shoots] psssych-out, dingleberry! [scores] Yes!"
- Jansen says "Hey Coop!" Coop sets up his shot, ignoring Jansen, who says "Looks like your boy Denslow is about to buy the farm." Coop looks back, Denslow wails as he leans over the stadium railing. Coop yells "Oh!" as Denslow falls over. Coop loses his balance and the ball. The ball dribbles off and Remer shows frustration. Coop ends up face-first on the ground.
- Coops' Spanish speaking opponent says "Cuidado, puto! (Careful, prick!) Te pego duro, (I'll hit you hard!) bonehead! Idiota!" Coop shakes it off, not knowing Spanish, and makes the shot.
- Coop says "Hey, Hernandez, look" as he holds up a lard bag filled with a white liquid. "It's fat liposuction out of Brando's ass. Aw, Aww!" He takes out a straw from his back pocket and sticks it into the bag. "Noo! What am I doing here? Aw-" He begins sucking up the fluid. "Aw! It's all salty and warm! Oh, why would I do this??" He sips, "Aww, this guy ate a lot of pork!". Hernandez shoots, and scores.
- A Miami player walks up, Remer says "Yo! Gomez!", Gomez sets up to shoot, Remer continues "Got milk?" and begins to squeeze some milk out of a hidden pouch on his breast and onto Gomez's face as Gomez shoots. "Yeah, you like that, don'tcha?" The shot misses and Coop takes the rebound.
- A New Jersey Informant player comes up to defend against Coop, says "Yo Coop! Your mother's a terrible cook!" Coop just takes the shot and scores.
- A player prepares to shoot as Remer seems to be masturbating at someone in the crowd. The Informant glances back, then looks forward. Remer tries more vigorously. The Informant says "Can't gross me out, Remer." Remer replies "Oh yeah? Well check out Coop" Coop pulls out some aluminum foil, rips it off its roller, wads it up, and starts chewing it up in a rabid manner. The Informant shoots and stumbles, missing the shot. A window on the garage door shatters as the ball hits it.
- The cheerleaders at the San Francisco Ferries stadium are all men in T-shirts and boxers. They rip off their T-shirts to show off their buff bodies. An umpire skates by to make sure the shot is set up. Remer says "Hey Zane." and quickly goes up to whisper in his ear longingly "I wanna feel ya..." (the cheerleaders rub their hands over their chests dreamily) "...deep inside me!" Zane shoots and misses.
- Coop faces his own shooter "Hey Watson, have you seen those, uh, beer commercials?" Watson puts down his guard as Coop fakes an Australian accent "How ta speak San Franciscan" Coop grabs Squeak and pulls down his shorts so Watson can see his ass, Squeak screams "Hey. Hey!" Coop shouts "Vajoina!" and releases Squeak as Watson misses his shot.
- A tall San Antonio Defender rises and walks to a square. Remer comes out and acts like a fat man with buck teeth and hick accent and says "Goood, guess I'll take my shot now. So I can make it so I can go home quick and smack my wife in the eye, yeppir." The Defender says "Shut up, Remer" and takes his shot, while Remer replies "Well, shut yer moouuth bitch or I'll-" and turns to see the ball fall in.
- Coop walks up to his opponent and starts making a snare drum sound. He whips up his left hand with the middle finger sticking up. Then he whips out a small bolt cutter in his right hand, snaps it open, and proceeds to snip off his middle finger at the second knuckle. The Defender says "Oh. Uuuugh." Coop succeeds after some effort and the stump begins to squirt out blood "Awwwwwgh! Awwwwwgh" The Defender throws up as the crowd shrieks in horror. "Awwww! Oh my eye! My eye! Awwww!" says Coop, as the Defender coughs and throws the ball away.
- Coop says "Hey Smitch. You wanna see a scary face?" eight coiled noisemakers uncurl as Coop makes a growling noise. "Yeah!" The L.A. Player screams, loses his balance and misses the shot.
- Coop approaches a Detroit player as a mime. The player glances, then sets up his shot. Coop copies the player's move, but in a gay way. The player looks again, and Coop makes like he's crying and wiping away his tears. The player aims and Coop copies him, then gyrates his hips. The player is offended and hits him with the ball. Coop puts up his fists. but an umpire arrives. The Umpire says "You're out!"
- Squeak faces an opponent, this time wearing a bloody skeleton mask. The player shoots and scores.
- A Miami player aims and Coop stands before him, facing away. Coop is wearing a jacket, the Miami player says "Ohh! Ugh! Oh shit!" and runs away. Coop turns around and shows the back of the jacket: DEA POLICE FEDERAL AGENT.
- Remer approaches wearing Groucho Marx glasses, nose, and moustache, but his opponent shoots and scores.
- Remer wears goofy glasses upside down and wiggles his tongue, but his opponent shoots and scores.
- He tries again, this time using his hands as glasses, but his opponent shoots and scores.
- He tries a funny face, wagging tongue and funny noises, but his opponent shoots and scores.
- Remer gets frustrated, so for the next psych out he brings out a 2 by 4 and smacks the player across the back with it, then drives it down into him. An umpire and Coop stop Remer and haul him away. Coop returns and kicks the player a few times
- Squeak returns, this time in a devil's mask. Squeak remembers that masks don't work, so he takes it off and looks at the player, who, horrified, yells "Ye-ee-agh!" loses balance, and falls down, missing the shot.
- Remer approaches his player with a tape recorder ready to play something. The player prepares to shoot and the tape starts, on the tape, the narrators voice says "There were four of them in the corral. The once-proud beast, the broken girl, her mother, and finally, the man they call "The Whisperer." having the player's attention, Remer walks up to him and places the recorder next to his ear. An umpire leans in to see what's happening. "The woman stared hopefully into the ancient cowboy's weathered face." (the player struggles to stay awake) "Can you help her?" "Lady, I repair cows, not people." (the player falls asleep. Remer picks up a pillow and puts it against the player's face, on the left side. The player leans over and Coop guides him to the floor gently, the pillow now snug against the player's face) "His disjointed voice seemed to be coming from afar." the crowd cheers as Remer lets the player fall. He gestures in satisfied appreciation.
- Squeak says "Hey Tuttle!" (reading from the note that Remer wrote on his hand) "Your mother's deaf." Tuttle says "My mother's dead, you little twerp!", to which Squeak replies (still reading) "I guess that's why she didn't move around a lot." This trips Tuttle up, and he misses the shot. The ball hits Remer in the groin and Tuttle falls onto the ground like a pile of bricks. Dust rises up around him.
- Coop faces a large player and brings in two dwarf jesters spinning plates on poles and on the horns on a Viking helmet. The player loses balance and falls. The ball breaks a few plates. The dwarves laugh at him.
- Remer faces a player, saying "Yo, Darcy!" "Yeah?" Remer whips open the left side of his jersey to reveal a picture of a woman bent over on his T-shirt. "Hey, that's my wife!" Remer says "Yeah?" and whips open the right side of his jersey to reveal the man behind her, inside her... "And this is me!" Darcy falls over in disbelief and misses his shot.
- Squeak says "Hey Dirk!" Dirk replies dismissively "What is it?" "I hear your sister is going out with Squeak!" Dirk falls, and Squeak grins at his teammates.
- Coop turns to face Grunsky as Remer and Squeak leave "Hey Grunsky, you losing weight?" and begins to talk like South Park's Cartman and holds his arms out wide as if holding on to a large barrel "Ey, you guys! Seriousleh! I'm fuckin' fat! Geez, you guys! I'm fuckin' fat! God-damnit, I'm so fuckin' fat!" Grunsky loses his balance and falls down. Coop is knocked off his feet.
External links
- Template:Imdb title
- Things to learn from Baseketball (http://www.spscriptorium.com/Treats/BBsecrets.htm)
- Baseketball Summary (http://www.uti.com/~peterg/baseketball.HTML)
- BASEketball League on Yahoo Groups (http://groups.yahoo.com/group/baseketball/messages/1?viscount=100)
- BASEketball cast and script (http://www.spscriptorium.com/Treats/BBscript.htm)es:BASEketball