Hordes of the Things

Hordes of the Things is a BBC radio comedy series parodying J. R. R. Tolkien's The Lord of the Rings, and the fantasy genre in general, in a style similar to The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. It was written by "A. P. R. Marshall and J. H. W. Lloyd" (Andrew Marshall and John Lloyd) and produced by Geoffrey Perkins. Hordes of the Things is also the name of a fantasy miniatures game related to De Bellis Antiquitatis.

The series consists of four half-hour episodes or "Chronicles", originally broadcast on BBC Radio 4 from November 25 to December 16 1980. This was the only uncut broadcast; all subsequent repeats have omitted part of the opening narration from The First Chronicle.

The cast includes Patrick Magee as the Chronicler, Simon Callow as the Crown Prince Veganin (named after an analgesic), Frank Middlemass as the wizard Radox the Green (named after a brand of green bath salts), Paul Eddington as the misnamed King Yulfric the Wise III (a virtual reprise of his role as Jim Hacker from Yes, Minister), Maggie Steed as Queen Elfreda, Christian Rodska as the hero Agar son of Athar, and Jonathan Lynn as the dwarf Golin Longshanks.

The series was launched with a good deal of hype. A full-page feature in Radio Times included a map of Albion and a spoof interview with Marshall and Lloyd. Despite this, the series was repeated only once, never released on cassette or CD, and largely forgotten until BBC 7 dusted off the (still abridged) tapes for a rerun in May 2003 and again in December.

Only six months after Hordes of the Things was first aired, the first episode of the BBC's epic radio production of The Lord of the Rings began its 26-week run. Some of the voices in Hordes sound suspiciously similar to the equivalent characters in LOTR. Perhaps the producers of Hordes had heard about the casting for the forthcoming Tolkien adaptation and chose their own cast accordingly.

The plot such as it is concerns the threat to the small kingdom of Albion by The Evil One (a Dark Lord) and her ravening hordes, which have completely surrounded the country and are preparing to move in.

Prince Veganin has raised a mighty army to defend Albion, only to see them all call in sick; his father King Yulfric thinks he is exaggerating the danger, and suggests that allowances should be made for foreign customs (like human sacrifice). In any case, Yulfric is too busy changing clothes with a commoner to have any time for affairs of state - the commoner in question being the woodcutter's daughter.

The great wizard Radox recruits the young hero Agar to find the mighty horn Summontrumpet which can call forth the six heroes of legend. To Agar's chagrin, Radox sends him a companion in the shape of the gluttonous dwarf Golin Longshanks, who is under the delusion that Radox's programme of height exercises has turned him into a giant.

Radox himself attends the Great Conference of All Wizards, but most of the wizards are too busy with the food and entertainment to bother with the heavy stuff about destroying evil.

Meanwhile Veganin has set off on his own quest to slay the leaders of the evil hordes, beginning with the High Bishop of Zylbor, whose priests baptise people by holding their heads under water until they stop struggling. What Veganin doesn't realise, until it is seemingly too late, is that the Bishop's gaze will turn anything it falls upon to ashes.

Agar and Golin finally wrest Summontrumpet from the clutches of the Dread Sphynx, which has the body of a snake, the head of a snake, and the feet of a snake, and arrive upon the plains of Albion as the Seven Armies of Hell begin their invasion. The only thing that could possibly go wrong would be if the wrong person should sound the horn by mistake....

Hordes of the Things (HOTT)

Hordes of the Things (HOTT) is also the name of a popular fantasy miniature wargame, from the DBx series of rulesets. It is published by Wargames Research Group.

HOTT is a generic fantasy game, and can represent armies from a wide variety of settings. Some gamers even use HOTT to game other periods, since, for example, a "Shooter" can just as easily be a company of musketeers as it can a company of archers.

HOTT follows the same basic game play of De Bellis Antiquitatis, with the addition of a magic phase.

A HOTT army is made up of 24 "points" worth of troop stands, drawn from the following list. Note that each type of troops has a different cost in points.

  • Aerial Heros - Heroes who can fly, or have a flying mount
  • Airboats - Large flying platforms, like zeppelins
  • Artillery - Powerful, long ranged missile weapons
  • Beasts - Savage creatures, like wolves
  • Behemoths - Elephants, Giants, Dinosaurs, etc.
  • Blades - Well equipped foot soldiers, like the Roman legion
  • Clerics - Religious leaders who perform an anti-Magician role
  • Dragons - Large, super-intelligent flying creatures
  • Fliers - Giant Eagles or other dangerous flying creatures
  • Gods - Powerful supernatural entities, like Zeus
  • Heroes - Mighty warriors of renown
  • Hordes - Endless seas of poorly trained and equipped fighters.
  • Knights - Armored horsemen who charge (warfare) ferociously into melee
  • Lurkers - Creatures that hide in dark places
  • Magicians - Spell casters, sorcerors and conjurers
  • Paladins - Warriors of Great Virtue
  • Riders - Mounted soldiers who fight with missile weapons in preference to melee
  • Shooters - Soldiers who fight with missile weapons, such as Archers and Javelin men
  • Sneakers - Ninjas and other sneaky assassin types
  • Spears - Well ordered soldiers fighting in phalanx
  • Warband - Ferocious soldiers who lack discipline but not bravery

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